


Icebreakers

by tooberjoober



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, Other Characters - Freeform, Slow Burn, rating mature for language and future implications, these are mainly the ones that show up first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2019-09-15 02:04:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 37,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16924464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tooberjoober/pseuds/tooberjoober
Summary: Jim and Spock first serve together on the Enterprise under Christopher Pike. From the start they’re drawn to one another, but as time goes on they become closer and realize why that is.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was gonna wait a bit longer to post this, but I decided fuck it, I already have the first chapter written. Might as well post it. I guess this is kinda an AU? Anyways hope you enjoy!

The moment Spock saw him, he was aware. He was dreadfully aware that this man. This human. This gorgeous human man with hair like gold, and a smile that lit up a room (who frankly, brought to mind Spock’s faint knowledge of ancient Terran mythos of Greek and Roman gods that glimmered in the sunlight). This man was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Spock was proud to say he had his emotions within his control, but at that moment, if anyone had asked, he would have readily admitted the nerves pooling in his stomach.

The man approached where Spock was standing next to Captain Pike. “Hello Captain, I’m Lieutenant James Kirk.” He grinned and Spock felt his heart begin to race in his side. 

The Captain nodded, shaking his hand. “Kirk, this is Spock, my first officer.” Spock briefly worried that the Lieutenant would offer his hand. Spock would be able to decline, but the invitation was particularly tantalizing to him as he soaked in the warmth given off by Kirk. He felt as though he was back on the sands of Vulcan, the suns beating down on him. 

Kirk’s eyes widened slightly, and Spock was drawn into those beautiful hazel eyes. He felt he could study those eyes for hours and still find them intriguing. “You’re the one who rejected an offer from the Vulcan Science Academy.” He said in awe. “Wow, I’ve got so many things I wanna ask you.” 

”Perhaps later.” Spock said, averting his gaze from the young lieutenant’s. He felt if he were the subject of Kirk’s attentions for much longer he may burn up in his sunny disposition. 

Spock missed the disappointment crossing Kirk’s face as Pike clapped the lieutenant on the shoulder with a small smile. “We’ll be starting things soon anyways.” Pike smiled. “Come on Spock.” He walked to the center of the room that the Alpha shift crew of the Enterprise was in. “Hello all! I’m your Captain, Christopher Pike.” He said, getting the attention of the group. “We’ll be spending quite a bit of time together over this five year mission, so I feel like it only makes sense that we get to know each other and partake in the most coveted of Earth traditions, the icebreaker!” A smile crossed his face as the crew held back a collective groan.

Spock was unfamiliar with this Earth tradition, but it seemed to be detested rather than coveted. He watched with interest as Captain Pike went over to the side of the room and grabbed a multi-colored inflated plastic ball. “Make a circle!” Pike exclaimed, a mischievous smile touching his features. Spock wasn’t particularly adept at reading human emotions, but he could tell Pike was enjoying himself too much. “You too Spock!” He called to the Vulcan. “Can’t just observe this one.” He teased, elbowing him in the side as Spock fell into line beside him.

”Alright.” Captain Pike said with a nod. “So what we’re gonna do is whoever has the ball is gonna introduce themselves. I want names, ranks, pronouns, age, where you’re from, and one interesting fact about yourself.” He cleared his throat. “I’m Captain Christopher Pike. I use he/him pronouns, I’m forty years young, I’m from a little town in Florida, and my interesting fact is that I was recently named Starfleet’s Sexiest Officer of the Year.” He sent a wink to a nearby yeoman who rolled her eyes. He then tossed the ball to said yeoman, who introduced herself and then tossed the ball to one of her friends. 

Spock observed the introductions with vague interest. It made logical sense that he know something about the people he’d be spending the next five years alongside. Maybe longer. It was impossible to predict who he could be on a crew with in the future. Of course much of the information was meaningless to him. Until an ensign tossed the ball to Lieutenant Kirk. Then Spock suddenly found he was much more interested. 

Kirk laughed at his friend that had thrown the ball. “Nearly missed me, Hikaru.” He grinned and once again Spock was mesmerized. “Hey there everybody. I’m Lieutenant James Kirk, call me Jim. I’m twenty five years old, I go by he/him pronouns, I’m from bumfuck nowhere Iowa, and I’m coming for Pike’s title.” Several of the officers around him started cat calling and whistling. Kirk blew a kiss to their superior officer, who was decidedly unamused. His gaze trailed over to Spock, who had an eyebrow raised and there was a slight twitch of his lips that Kirk read as amusement. He smiled warmly at him, and although he didn’t show it, Spock was taken aback by the warmth turned onto him. If he had the reflexes of a human, he would have certainly been taken off guard by the beach ball that Kirk threw at him. 

Spock gazed at the ball thoughtfully for a moment before he spoke. “I am S’chn T’gai Spock. Twenty eight Terran years old. I use he/him pronouns. I was raised primarily on Vulcan. I find the insistance of revealing an ‘interesting fact’ to be illogical.” He paused thoughtfully, his eyes flickering briefly to Kirk. “However, I have gathered that some may find it intriguing that I am the only Vulcan to have turned down a place at the Vulcan Science Academy.” Spock had since diverted his gaze from the lieutenant, which was probably a good thing, since the smile on his face was absolutely radiant, and very distracting. Spock handed the ball to the man in blue beside him. 

”Well it’s gonna be pretty easy to follow that.” The man drawled, a smile touching his face. “I’m Dr. Leonard McCoy, your CMO.” He continued, and Spock was listening somewhat. But his attention continued to drift away from the people introducing themselves and back to the ethereal Lieutenant. Spock knew working with him would be a trial. The man was enticing to say the least. He practically seemed to glow when Spock looked at him. And something in Spock knew that he should be with him. He wanted to be with him. He wanted to get to know him and to spend time with him and actually get the chance to fall in love with him. Spock allowed himself a steadying breath. He would be fine. 

Once the icebreaker was over, the crew was dismissed to go get dinner. Spock took his meal in his quarters. He needed to meditate on today. 

* * *

Jim was drawn to the first officer. “Okay, so,” He said, leaning in conspiratorially to Sulu, speaking in between bites of food. “How hot is the first officer?”

”The eyebrows do it for you?” Sulu chuckled, wiggling his own eyebrows. 

”I don’t know what it is exactly.” Jim shrugged. “But I know gorgeous when I see it. I mean tall and lean and those hands, I mean come on.” He said. 

”Not exactly my type, although I can understand the appeal.” Sulu hummed, checking out a security officer at another table. 

”There’s just something about him, right?” Jim looked up at Sulu and realized he was no longer paying attention. “Right.” He nodded to himself. “I can’t wait to actually…get out there though, ya know?” 

”You’re gonna love it.” Sulu smiled. “This is gonna be your first time out of orbit right?” 

Jim nodded. “I’ve been waiting for this for years. I can’t wait till we step foot on our first planet.” He took a breath, as if he could already smell the alien air. “I mean, I know that’s reserved for landing parties, but you never know who they might pull for those.” 

”Yeah, and Pike does have a bit of a soft spot for you.” Sulu teased. 

Jim shrugged. The Captain had been his dad’s first officer before he passed. “That might not be a good thing for me though.” Jim mused. “That might mean he’ll want me to stay on the ship where it’s ‘safe.’” 

”In which case you talk to him and tell him you wanna get off the ship every once in a while. Not like the ship’s all that much safer.” Sulu responded. 

”That’s true.” Jim nodded. Everyone had heard more than their fair share of Starfleet horror stories. Plants that alter behavior, aliens that alter appearance, body snatchers, sentient gases. Nothing was really restrained to a planet side and anything could happen. 

”What’s going on, boys?” McCoy asked, sliding into the seat next to Jim. 

”I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so chipper.” Sulu said with a raised eyebrow. 

”No injuries yet.” McCoy smiled. “Tomorrow I start with physicals after we take off, but today I can just relax.” 

”So this is probably the last smile we’ll see from you for a while.” Jim said with a teasing smile. 

”It won’t be if you can manage to avoid getting yourself almost killed every mission.” McCoy responded with a raised eyebrow. 

”Hey, all the trainings were hypotheticals.” Jim said with a pout. 

”The injuries were real though Jim.” Bones frowned. “How many times did you walk into the infirmary needing stitches or slings? It’ll only be worse out here.” 

”I’ll be fine, Bones. I can take care of myself.” Jim rolled his eyes. 

”Uh-huh, sure.” The doctor rolled his eyes. 

Jim was about to respond when his eyes flickered to the door and he stopped himself. His heart rate picked up as the ship’s first officer walked in, seemingly looking for someone. Some part of Jim hoped that there was a chance he was the one Spock was looking for. Even though he knew it wasn’t possible. Their eyes met and a shiver went down Jim’s spine. God those eyes. There was something about those eyes. They were too smart to be human, too warm to be Vulcan. 

”If you don’t stop making goo-goo eyes at him like that, he’s gonna kick your ass.” Bones said, elbowing Jim in the side. 

Jim stuck his tongue out at him. “Just let me stare at attractive people.” 

”Here he comes to tell you to stop staring.” Sulu teased. 

Jim quickly turned his head and saw that the Vulcan was walking directly towards them. He turned his head back to the table quickly, alarm in his eyes. “What do you think he wants?” 

”To kick your ass.” Bones joked. 

”You know Vulcans have great hearing. He probably heard you earlier.” Sulu said with a raised eyebrow. 

”Shut up!” Jim hissed as Spock came closer. 

”Lieutenant Kirk, Doctor McCoy, Ensign Sulu.” Spock nodded to each of them. “I was told the Captain was looking for me here. Have you seen him?” He asked his hands held tightly behind his back. 

”No I don’t think-“ Jim began. 

”Spock!” Pike called, jogging across the room. “There you are!” He clapped Spock on the shoulder, leaving the first officer slightly uncomfortable. Jim felt uncomfortable too, although he couldn’t exactly pinpoint why. 

”Spock.” Pike said, pulling him away from the table somewhat. “You need to take your meals here for the first few weeks.” 

Spock raised an eyebrow. “Why?” 

”You’re a little intimidating, Spock.” Pike began. “The crew needs to see you in a setting that’s a little less professional. So no one’s freaked out by you. After two weeks you can go back to eating in your quarters, but for now I need you to socialize. Form bonds. Think you can do that?” 

Spock couldn’t stop his gaze from flickering back to the golden haired lieutenant. He nodded. “Yes.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooray! New chapter! Hope you enjoy! And let me know if you do! Thanks for reading!

”Alright, Spock.” M’Benga nodded, looking down at a PADD. “You seem to be in perfect health. All we need is for McCoy to dismiss you.” 

”Thank you, Doctor.” Spock nodded, grabbing his undershirt, which he had been forced to remove for the physical. 

”Alright, Christine.” McCoy called. “Tell Jim, he can come in if he promises to behave himself.” Bones walked over to M’Benga and started looking at Spock’s test results. 

Jim walked in, immediately discarding his shirt and jumping onto a sickbed. “I am always well behaved, Bones.” He looked to the Doctor and noticed that just behind him was Spock, putting on his undershirt. Jim felt his mouth go dry. He didn’t want to stare, but he couldn’t pry his eyes away as black covered the green tinted skin. Damn did he look good in black. And the undershirt itself was so form fitting. After a moment of staring, Jim decided that it was completely unfair for a Vulcan to have so much sex appeal. 

Suddenly, Spock noticed his gaze, and raised an eyebrow. Jim shouldn’t have found that action as attractive as he did. Spock grabbed the shirt to his uniform, not removing his eyes from Jim. And if it didn’t make him feel insane, Jim would have sworn up and down that Spock gave him the once over. Jim wanted to know what Spock’s diagnosis was. He wondered briefly if Vulcans even really cared about physical appearance. Did they only really care about how smart someone was? If that was the case, Jim could kiss any chance with Spock goodbye. He was smart of course, just not Vulcan smart. 

He was jolted violently out of his reverie by a needle shoved in his arm. “Jesus!” He exclaimed, looking at the new vial of blood he had just unwittingly filled. “Warn a guy next time.” 

”If I told you, you would’ve squirmed.” McCoy retorted, handing the vile off to Nurse Chapel. “Thank you, Mr. Spock, for accidentally being the perfect distraction. Ya know I always figured Vulcans would kick ass at staring contests.” Bones said. 

”You’re welcome Doctor.” Spock nodded. “I am pleased, I was able to be of assistance.” The corner of his mouth turned upward as he spared one last glance towards Jim’s chest, then to Bones’ back, as if to say to Jim, “They’ll never believe it.” 

Jim held onto his knees, tighter than normal, watching Spock go. He had no right to be so attractive. It was unfair. “It is so unfair.” Jim hissed to Bones when Spock was out of earshot. 

”What is?” Bones asked vacantly, starting to record Jim’s blood pressure. 

”Him! He has so much sex appeal but Vulcans don’t even use it.” Jim huffed. 

McCoy raised an eyebrow. “Jim, Vulcans do have sex lives. They’re a little more prudish. Pay more attention to the brain than the body, but they do have sex lives. Right M’Benga?” He called over his shoulder. 

”Oh sure. Vulcans can fuck with the best of ‘em.” M’Benga nodded, amused. “I mean they have to. Have you ever seen a Vulcan in Pon Farr? They get absolutely wild.” 

”Pon Farr?” Jim asked, looking at Bones. 

”Vulcans go into heat, every five to seven years once they reach maturity.” McCoy answered, typing away on a PADD. He looked back at M’Benga. “Remind me to keep Jim away from him if he goes into Pon Farr during the mission.” He said. 

”Hey!” 

”Oh that won’t be a problem.” M’Benga assured him. “Vulcans are very particular about their mates.” 

”Hey!” Jim exclaimed again. “Are you saying I’m not good enough for him?” 

”I am.” Bones piped up, looking at another device. 

”I just mean they seek a certain level of mental compatibility.” M’Benga said. “Besides most Vulcans get betrothed at a very young age. I can’t imagine it’s any different for Spock.” 

”Huh.” Jim said thoughtfully. “I see.” So he was probably engaged or married. The idea made him sadder than he should have been. He was just missing out on the chance to sleep with a good looking guy. He wasn’t missing a chance at true love. “Ow! Shit! Stop stabbing me, Bones!” He cursed. 

”I’m your Doctor. I’m allowed to.” Bones smiled mischievously. 

* * *

Spock allowed himself a steadying breath as he boarded the turbo lift to the bridge. It seemed as though he had attracted the Lieutenant’s attention in the medbay. He could not complain, being under the scrutiny of the other man felt like sunbathing. It felt like a warm bath on a cold day. It was radiant, warm, and comforting. 

Spock shrugged off the thoughts, as he arrived at his station. He needed to focus on researching the mission at hand, not the visually appealing Lieutenant. They were collecting plant samples from an M class planet that was not populated, save for small amphibious creatures. It should be a fairly simple mission, but things were rarely ever fair or simple. Spock began to create a list of the best candidates for a landing party. As the chief science officer, of course he would be going. The Captain would likely remain on the ship. They should bring along a doctor in case a member of the party has a bad reaction with a plant or meets a poisonous variety of plant. Ensign Sulu had proved fairly knowledgeable about botany. A member of security just in case and Kirk. 

As if on cue the doors to the bridge opened and Jim walked out with a skip in his step. Spock kept his eyes focused on his station. It didn’t make sense to bring Lieutenant Kirk. He passed all his exams fairly well, but he had never expressed any interest in xeno-botany. There was nothing unique he could offer to the mission. And yet Spock had such a strong desire to bring him along. Pike would trust his decision on the landing party as the most logical one available, but he wanted Jim Kirk by his side on this mission. 

Spock glanced to Captain Pike, only to be distracted by Lieutenant Kirk swiftly spinning his chair to face the front of the ship. Vulcans did not believe in “gut feelings,” but Spock knew deep down that Jim had been staring at him. He felt the tips of his ears go green as he turned his attention back to the list for the landing party. No James Kirk. 

Jim couldn’t help his gaze from straying to the first officer. Sure he had to crane his neck a bit, but the view of the Vulcan bent over the station was well worth a crick in the neck. Somehow Jim knew that Spock was thinking about him. He could feel that Spock was aware of his appreciative gaze. He turned forward in his chair, feeling Spock’s gaze on the back of his neck. That gaze was so intense and warm. He felt like he could melt, but he froze when it turned from him again. 

* * *

“This list seems pretty good for our first mission.” Pike nodded, looking over Spock’s landing party recommendation and his explanation behind each person. “This is a fairly routine mission, correct? Shouldn’t be too much dangerous going on?” 

”That is correct sir, although there is always an element of unpredictability which is why I requested-“ Pike cut Spock off by raising his hand. 

”I know. I’m not taking anyone off.” He said. “I’m adding someone on.” 

”Oh? Was my proposed party not sufficient?” Spock raised an eyebrow. 

”Spock, you did fine, calm down.” Pike assured him. “I want you to put James Kirk on this mission.” He handed the PADD back to Spock. 

Spock thought he must have misheard him. “Pardon?” 

”Jim is itching to get out into space and do stuff. I’m gonna try and let him out on routine missions as much as possible. Ya know, mission’s where it’ll be near impossible for the reckless dumbass to get himself killed.” Pike explained. 

”I see.” Spock said. “I’ll add him to the landing party.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love world building yayyyy. And relationship building yaayyyyy. Hope you do too! If you do let me know! I love all forms of validation!

Jim didn’t know why he was put on this landing party. He didn’t know anything about plants or lizards and that seemed to be most of what was on Dianus. He looked around. The grass and plants were shades of purple, rather than greens. It was beautiful. 

”Ensign Knowles, Lieutenant Kirk, you two are here primarily for security reasons. Stay here at the meeting point if you’d like or accompany one of us, but either way, stay alert.” Spock instructed, putting a PADD away as he pulled out a tricorder. 

Jim glanced at Knowles, who seemed happy to stay put where he was. Jim felt antsy at the thought of it. He looked around to see Sulu already discussing a nearby plant with a scientist. Jim didn’t want to interrupt. He took a deep breath and followed after Spock. “Um hey.” He greeted once he caught up with the Vulcan. “Is it alright if I accompany you, Commander?” 

Spock had been kneeling in front of some sort of fern. He stood himself to his full height, looking down at Jim. Jim swallowed, feeling inadequate, nervous, and slightly aroused under his intense scrutiny. “Very well.” Spock agreed, turning back to the plant he had been observing. 

Jim let out a breath he was barely aware he had been holding. He couldn’t say he didn’t know why Spock was so nerve wracking, because of course he knew. Not only was this his superior officer, but his superior officer was tall, handsome, and so intimidating. 

”This way Lieutenant.” Spock said, once more turning away from where the party had landed. 

”May I ask what we’re looking for, sir?” Jim asked, trying to match Spock’s professionalism. 

”I assume you mean to ask the question rather than ask permission.” Spock noted, his eyes flickering to Jim’s face before returning his eyes to his tricorder. 

”Yes.” Jim nodded, silently cussing at himself for forgetting how literally Vulcans took things. 

”According to our readings there is a large forest area about two point four seven kilometers away where the majority of the life forms are found. We also believe this forest to be made up of trees of an unusually large nature.” 

”Unusually large?” Jim asked. 

”Think of the Earthen redwoods, had their growth not been slowed or halted.” Spock responded. 

Jim had heard that Vulcans hated small talk. Although he supposed this wasn’t smalltalk. Just a Vulcan teaching a poor lowly idiot. Jim found that even if this was how Spock saw him, he didn’t mind so much. He liked listening to him talk about plants. In truth he liked his voice. It was deep and soothing, like a tub of hot cocoa. Jim felt a desire to close his eyes and let Spock’s voice wash over him, but decided against it, since he needed to see where he was going. 

Spock had stopped talking about the forest, and Jim felt a need to start a conversation up again. It had only been a minute or two of silence, but it was already driving him insane. “So um…Commander, could you tell me the rationale for including me on the landing party? I mean I’m grateful and all, this place is beautiful and I’m glad I get to see it. But I just don’t really understand.” He paused for a moment, and when Spock didn’t respond he started again. “I mean I don’t know much about plants or anything, and if you wanted security, you could’ve gotten one of the ensigns or lieutenants from that department-“ 

”Truthfully I do not quite comprehend the rationale behind your inclusion.” Spock cut Jim off, which frankly Jim was thankful for. “Captain Pike requested your inclusion, citing the desire for your first mission to be one that is not particularly dangerous. I am not at liberty to refuse the Captain such a reasonable request.” 

”I see.” Jim said, a small frown crossing his face. “I don’t know whether to be offended or glad he thought of me at all.” 

Spock didn’t know how to respond to that. But thankfully he didn’t need to. They saw the forest and both began to pick up the pace, somehow still in line with one another. 

Jim felt his breath was almost taken away. Trees bigger than any building he had ever seen. They were so thick around he felt he could fit two of his rooms inside. The bark was a pinkish brown with violet leaves sprouting from branches, the lowest of which were still twenty feet in the air. And walking up to those trees Jim felt so… “Small.” 

”Pardon?” Spock didn’t look up from his tricorder. 

”It’s nothing.” Jim murmured, walking a bit further in. “I just feel so…small.” Looking up at those branches so high in the air was a little dizzying. It wasn’t an unusual feeling. It reminded him of when he was a child, looking up at the tallest trees, trying to find a way to climb them so he could reach the stars. 

”That is…understandable.” Spock said, allowing his gaze to drift over to Jim. The light filtering through the leaves gave him a strange purple glow. He was gazing up at the canopy above them, mesmerized. It…he was beautiful. Spock returned his gaze to the tricorder, his tongue quickly darting out to wet his suddenly parched lips. “Although I must assure you Lieutenant, you are no smaller than usual.” 

Jim laughed and Spock felt his heart beat pick up in his chest. It was such a beautiful, melodic laugh and he made it happen. “Are you sure we weren’t shrunk the moment we approached the forest, Commander?” Jim asked, amusement pulling his gaze from the sky to the Vulcan analyzing the plant life. 

”Highly unlikely.” Spock responded quickly. 

”But still possible.” Jim smiled. 

”There is very little that is absolutely impossible, Lieutenant Kirk.” Came Spock’s easy reply.

”It’s nice to know you think that too.” Jim said, his eyes floating back skyward. He felt Spock’s questioning gaze. “There’s something about anything’s possible that’s comforting to me.” 

”I…don’t think I quite understand.” Spock said. 

”I don’t think I could really explain it.” Jim responded, turning his gaze back to the science officer’s. 

”Illogical.” Spock murmured, mostly to himself. 

It was then that a lizard about the size of a cat and a shade of dark blue skittered last Jim and to a tree behind him. Jim jumped slightly in surprise, but then watched as the creature climbed its way up the tree. “Holy shit.” He mumbled. “Commander Spock did you see that lizard?” 

”I have seen several of the lizards in the canopies above us.” Spock responded, making a note on his PADD. “They are herbivores, that primarily dine on the fruits and leaves of these trees.” 

”Huh.” Jim said, watching where the lizard went by what branches were moving. “It’s really pretty here.” Jim mused, looking at the purple grass under his feet. 

Spock looked at Jim, seemingly lost in his own thoughts, and nodded. “It is quite aesthetically pleasing.” He agreed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been several days, but I’m back with some bonding boysssss. Hope you enjoy and if you do, let me know! Thanks for readin!

“So Jim, did you enjoy your first mission?” Bones asked between mouthfuls of replicated food. 

Jim nodded, fighting back a yawn. “Yeah. I mean it wasn’t the most exciting thing in the universe, but…” He shrugged. “I got out there. It was peaceful. And god that forest was one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been.” 

“I’m surprised the commander let you tag along with him.” Sulu said with a teasing smile on his face. 

”Why wouldn’t he?” Jim responded, indignantly. “I’m charming.” 

“I don’t think Vulcans give a rat’s rear end about charming, Jimbo.” McCoy said. 

”He’s not that different.” Jim said, examining his dinner. “A little stoic, little quiet. But he’s not that different.” Jim wasn’t quite sure why he was so intent on defending a man who wasn’t there and who wasn’t even really being insulted. Something about the comments from his friends were beginning to rub him the wrong way and he didn’t like it. They seemed to pick up on Jim’s frustration and they dropped it. 

They ate in silence for a few moments. They were all tired from the day of work and had already touched on a bizarre touchy subject. A figure approached out of the corner of Jim’s eye. He decided to ignore it, until that figure was addressing him. “Lieutenant, Ensign, Doctor.” Spock nodded to each occupent of the table in turn. “May I join you?” His words were short, clipped. Jim could feel his discomfort, and knew that Spock would much rather be somewhere else. 

Jim glanced at his friends before he decided that he didn’t really care what they wanted. He offered Spock one of his winning smiles. “Of course, Commander. We’d love it, if you joined us.” Sulu and McCoy backed up his statement with hesitant, but friendly smiles. 

Once Spock joined the group, the silence felt less comfortable than it had been before. Although it was beginning to seem that anything involving Spock would have a certain amount of discomfort. Sulu was the one that spoke up first. “Commander, I never got the chance to thank you for recommending me for the mission today. I really enjoyed-“ 

”Gratitude is unnecessary.” Spock interrupted him. “I recalled from your introduction that you are both interested in, and skilled with botany. It was a logical decision to bring you along.” He paused, contemplating the food on his plate. “I believe humans normally respond with ‘you’re welcome.’” 

”That is the normal etiquette.” McCoy mumbled. 

”I am however pleased you found the mission enlightening.” Spock said. His gaze drifted to McCoy. “And you Doctor? Did you find the mission engaging?” 

”I sat on a rock watching some big ass lizards deepthroat some weird alien fruit.” McCoy said. “So yeah. Pretty damn entertaining.” Sulu and Jim were torn between laughing and being mortified at the way the Doctor was addressing the stoic first officer. Thankfully they could do both. 

”I see.” Spock raised an eyebrow. “It is a shame we had not spoken sooner.” He said dryly. “I would have included that anecdote in my report.” There was the slightest upturn of his lips. 

Jim snorted out an unexpected laugh, immediately covering his mouth. Spock had a pleased look in his eye as he watched the Lieutenant struggle with laughter. Whoever said Vulcans didn’t have a sense of humor was a goddamn liar. 

Spock returned his attention to his food as Jim tried to calm himself down. Conversation turned to other things, Spock chimed in every once in a while, but primarily kept to himself. And by the end of the meal, it almost seemed natural. It seemed right for them all to be spending time together.

”Hey…Commander.” Jim cleared his throat as they all began to clean up the table. “We were gonna head down to the rec room and play a game of cards. Would you like to join us?” He asked awkward, yet hopeful. 

”I must decline.” Spock said. “I can think of several things that more urgently require my attention at this moment.” 

”Ah. Right.” Jim nodded, swallowing down his disappointment. He didn’t know why he was so disappointed. He should have realized this was the response he was gonna get. “Um well…I guess I’ll see you on the bridge tomorrow, Commander.” Jim started to turn around. 

Spock realized he had disappointed Jim and for some reason that startled him. “Lieutenant.” He said quickly. Jim turned back around to face him. Spock cleared his throat, gripping his hands together behind his back. “While we are off duty, it would not be a terrible breach of conduct to simply call me by my name.” 

A smile lit up Jim’s face and any hesitation Spock may have had was melted away by his sunny disposition. “Right, Spock.” He nodded. “And you can call me Jim, of course.” He added quickly.

Spock nodded, somewhat taken aback by how a simple request seemed to change his entire demeanor. He thought of another idea to keep this radiant presence for a bit longer. “Perhaps when I have less to do, I will be able to join you and your…friends for a game.” He said. 

Jim’s smile widened. “Yeah. That would be awesome!” He glanced over his shoulder to see Sulu and Bones waiting for him. “I’ll see you later Command- Spock.” He grinned, walking backwards for a bit to keep his gaze on Spock. Finally he turned around and broke the eye contact. 

Spock felt the tips of his ears burn, although he was not sure why. He tried to convince himself that his actions had been propelled by logic, that this was more of an experiment than a genuine connection. Suddenly meditation became the first item on his list of what needed to be done.

”Did you see that?” Jim asked his friends excitedly as they made their way to the rec room. 

”You getting rejected like we said you would?” Sulu raised an eyebrow. 

”No.” Jim rolled his eyes. “He told me to just call him Spock when we’re off duty.” 

”Ooh. When’s the wedding?” Bones rolled his eyes. 

”Shut up.” Jim elbowed him in the side.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so a couple of things. One, this chapter is twice as long as a normal chapter cause there’s a silly plot point that I didn’t want to split into two but then whoops seriouser stuff happens in between and suddenly it’s over 2k words. Which I know y’all won’t mind, just like…don’t get used to it lmao.   
> Also the aforementioned silly plot point…I regret very little. It’s silly, fun, incolves characterization, includes ABBA…yeah

Spock lit the incense in his room, lowering himself onto the cushion where he did most of his meditating. He took a deep breath, his eyes falling shut. It took a moment for him to reach the ideal meditative state, but once he was in it, he was able to sort through his emotions from the past few days with relative ease. There was only one real topic he was having a difficult time understanding. James Tiberius Kirk. The Lieutenant had proven to be a subject of great interest to Spock, and therefore, Spock had to dedicate time to sort through what he was feeling. 

First it was obvious that Spock found Jim physically attractive. He could not deny the beauty and warmth that radiated off of him. Spock had never known Vulcans to experience physical attraction to those other than their mates, but at the same time, it wasn’t a subject Vulcans would be open to discuss. And then there was the fact of Spock’s dual heritage. Even if Vulcans did not experience physical attraction, apparently half Vulcans did. He filed away his attraction in the back of his mind, hopeful that it would no longer weigh on his mind. 

Spock held an amount of fascination towards Jim. This was not unusual and was an aspect of most of his relationships with humans. He found the species itself rather fascinating. He enjoyed observing the variation in reactions and emotions between two or more humans. Spock found himself drawing comparisons between Kirk and the Captain. Both were outgoing and charming and both seemed to be attempting to force Spock into more social interactions. Spock stowed away his fascination in a place where he was certain he could reach again when more information became available. 

Then there was something. Spock could not quite explain, nor could he comprehend. This was just…a warmth connected to James Kirk. He didn’t know how else he could describe it except for a warmth. A glowing, pleasant warmth that sent shivers down his spine when he focused on it for too long. It was certainly not unpleasant, but Spock didn’t know how to identify it. And that made him uncomfortable. This warmth, he hid away in the recesses of his mind until he could find a way to identify it. Until then, it would remain out of mind and he would not concern himself with it. 

* * *

“So, what do you think Spocko?” Pike asked with a grin.

”I think you should not call me that.” Spock responded shortly. 

”No! I mean about my idea.” The captain said with an eye roll. 

”I do not see the point in a karaoke contest.” Spock said. 

”It’s an ancient Terran bonding ritual!” Pike exclaimed. “I think the crew would get a kick out of it. It’s always a crowd pleaser.” 

“If you truly believe it will be a bonding exercise, then you can do as you please. You don’t require my permission.” Spock said.

”Yes, but you’ll have to be involved.” Pike said with an eye roll. 

”I will not be performing, Captain.” Spock said, his mouth a hard line. 

”Yeah, yeah, but you’ll be watching.” Pike insisted. 

“Captain, my time could be better spent elsewhere.” Spock argued. 

”I want you there, Spock.” Pike stood from his seat. “I’ll see you tonight.” He clapped him on the shoulder before he left the briefing room. 

Spock allowed himself a moment to compose himself. This Captain was most illogical. And frustrating. And they’d be working together for the next four point nine four years. He took in a deep breath, and then let it out. If an occasionally erratic Captain was his only complaint, then the mission couldn’t be terrible. 

* * *

”Did you hear Jim?” Bones asked with an amused smile. “They’re doing karaoke night in the rec room tonight. I’m assuming you’re going?” 

”Is there booze?” Sulu asked with a raised eyebrow. 

”How else would they get people to sing?” Bones asked teasingly. 

“I’ll be there.” Jim nodded. “Someone’s gotta get the party started.” Jim glanced over at Spock, sitting in his usual silence. “Hey Spock, are you gonna stop by?” 

”Unfortunately, I have been ordered to be there.” Spock said, his eyebrows furrowed slightly. “I take no pleasure in this meaningless ritual when there is work to be done elsewhere.” 

That was as close to an emotional outburst as Spock would get. Jim felt bad for him, he also didn’t understand why Pike would require Spock to sit through a bunch of shitty karaoke. “Jeez, I’m sorry Spock-“ 

”I do not require sympathy.” Spock cut him off. 

Jim nodded, distancing himself from Spock slightly. “Right well…I don’t exactly understand why Pike would require you to go, but I can promise we’ll stick around and make sure you have fun.” He offered with a warm smile. 

Spock’s cold gaze turned to him once again and Jim felt a shiver go down his spine as Spock raised an eyebrow. “Vulcans do not…have fun.” Spock said slowly, deliberately. Jim found his eyes fixated on Spock’s lips. Then slowly the alien rose to his feet and left the mess hall. 

Jim let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding. He slumped onto the table, letting his head fall into his arms. “God, I think he wants to kick my ass.” He let out a shaky chuckle as he realized just how attractive he found the prospect. 

”It’s alright, Jim.” Sulu said, moving into the seat Spock had just vacated. “We can get drunk and sing old Terran ballads without him.” He patted Jim’s back lightly. 

”It’s not that.” Jim lifted his head. “I just…wait where’d Bones go?” He asked, noticing the Doctor was missing from his seat. 

* * *

“Hey asshole!” Bones called, jogging to catch up with Spock. 

Spock paused in his step, glancing over his shoulder. “I assume you are addressing me, though I don’t approve of the nickname.” 

”It’s not a nickname. It’s what you’re being.” Bones responded, crossing his arms over his chest. “What the fuck was that?” 

”To what are you referring to?” 

”The way you were treating Jim.” McCoy huffed. “Listen, I get it. We’re not Vulcan. We don’t get how you work or how you normally behave or anything, but dammit Jim is trying! For some goddamn reason he’s trying so hard to be nice to you. The least you could do is pretend you have a heart.” 

”I do have a heart.” Came Spock’s simple reply. McCoy was about to groan when Spock continued. “However, I believe I understand what you are trying to convey. You are saying that the way I expressed myself was not satisfactory.” 

”I’m saying, if you’re gonna go around saying you don’t have emotions, don’t sound so pissed when you do so.” Bones said, putting a hand on his hip. “It ruins the whole act.” 

Spock felt the desire to argue with McCoy, but for some reason, he couldn’t find the words. “I see.” He turned and started walking, but paused again. “Tell Lieutenant Kirk that I did not intend to convey any ill will.” 

”I’m sure he’ll be glad to hear it.” McCoy mumbled. 

* * *

Spock sat in the back of the rec room, obviously unamused. He was decidedly unsurprised when the first person to the mic, after Pike’s introduction, was Jim. Spock watched him with a small amount of interest, his mind going back to his conversation with McCoy earlier. 

”Hello, my name is Jim Kirk and I’m going to be singing an old Terran classic, by the famed band of yore, ABBA.” He cleared his throat and struck a pose. 

He began singing a song about a game, the name of which was not specified. Spock’s eyes were locked onto Jim’s form. He was…not a good singer. Nor was he a particularly talented dancer. But at the same time, there was something about him that was electrifying. The crowd was clearly amused, but Spock was fascinated. He found himself unable to look away from him, although he wasn’t sure why. 

Jim was playful, draping himself over nearby friends at certain intervals of the song, winking at catcalling yeomen, and shaking his hips along with the beat of the music. Despite the fact that the room was close to full of people, no one’s attention strayed from Jim Kirk. He was truly radiant to the point that Spock felt a spotlight was on him, even though he knew it wasn’t possible. 

Spock now knew why Pike believed he would make a good leader. He was making a fool of himself, certainly. But Spock knew that if anything the event would make people respect him more. He showcased his courage in a ridiculous manner and garnered respect for it. And judging by the line of people who began to sign up to sing, he also acted as an inspiration.

Despite the fact that his friends were at a table close to the front, once the song was over Jim headed straight to the back of the room, where he had locked eyes with a stubborn Vulcan. “Hey Spock.” He grinned. “What’d you think?” 

Spock was slightly taken aback by the appearance of the Lieutenant. Both that he came to talk and the way he looked. That smile was as entrancing as possible. And Jim has managed to work up a sweat during the song, leaving his skin glistening and his curls stuck to his forehead. 

Spock cleared his throat, looking down at his hand on the table. “I believe it is easy to say you are…inexperienced.” Spock chose his words delicately, not desiring to upset Jim again. “And yet I did find the performance…fascinating.” 

”Jeez, you say that so much.” Jim leaned onto the chair next to Spock. “I don’t know if it’s a compliment or an insult.” 

”Once I decide, I shall let you know.” Spock said wryly. 

Jim let out a laugh. After a moment of silence, excluding the horrible singing of Scotty in the background, Jim spoke again. “Um…Bones told me what you said. I’m sorry he went after you-“ 

Spock raised an eyebrow. “I’m not. I need to adapt to communicating almost solely with humans. If there is something upsetting in my tone I need to change it so I do not cause unnecessary stress.” 

”Oh.” Jim’s eyebrows shot upward. “Well then…I’m glad you’re not upset.” 

”Vulcans do not get upset.” Spock responded easily. 

”Right.” Jim nodded, looking down. “Well…would you like to join me, Sulu, and Bones up front? You look a little lonely back here-“ Jim cut himself off. “I mean I know Vulcans probably don’t get lonely but-“ 

”I think that would be agreeable.” Spock said, rising from his seat. “Lead the way, Lieutenant.” 

Jim grinned once more and Spock felt his breath catch for a reason he didn’t quite comprehend. They walked together to a table front and center where they watched different crew members come up and sing their hearts out (most poorly). 

It was nearing the end of the night when Jim stood again, looking at Spock. Sulu and Bones rolled their eyes as they got into position behind him. Jim grabbed the microphone. “Mr. Spock, you sure you’re not gonna give us the pleasure of listening to you sing?” He asked, batting his eyelashes and kneeling in front of the Vulcan. 

Spock was almost tempted. He raised a single eyebrow. “I will not.” He responded. 

”Well alright but…” The music started and Bones and Sulu started chanting in the background. “If you change your mind, I’m the first in line. Honey, I’m still free. Take a chance on me.” The rest of the crowd burst into cheers and laughter, while Spock remained unmoved. Every time Jim turned his attention to the Vulcan, Spock raised an eyebrow. Jim shrugged and smiled in a way that Spock took as meaning he’d get an explanation later. Spock found that while coming closer did not improve the quality of Jim’s voice or dance moves, it did make the whole thing more…personal and oddly more fascinating. 

”Sorry Spock, he made us.” Sulu offered a smile as the returned to the table for their things. 

”There is no need to apologize.” Spock responded. “It did nothing to harm me and it is clear that the crew found it humorous.” There was a small twitch of his lips, which Jim took as a smile. The mere thought of successfully making Spock smile brought one to Jim’s face as well. 

“I guess Vulcans don’t feel embarrassment either.” Bones grumbled, stretching as the four of them stepped into a turbo lift. 

”Correct Doctor.” Spock said with a nod. 

”Lucky bastard.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! Back at it again. Hope you enjoy and if you do, let me know! I have several good ideas I’ve got in store and it’s gonna be great my dudes

Jim was little worried that Spock was upset with him. It had been a few days since the karaoke night and Spock had stopped eating with them almost completely. And since Jim only ever saw him on the bridge, he didn’t really have a chance to ask him if he was upset or apologize. Especially since Spock always seemed to hang back on the bridge, and Jim never had a reason to.

He bit his lip, looking down at the food on his plate. “Do you guys think Spock is upset with us?” He asked, anxiously. 

“Jim, Vulcans don’t feel upset.” Sulu said in an impression of Spock’s deep, even tone. 

”Nothing but a smug sense of superiority.” McCoy mumbled, taking a long drink of water, at least Jim thought it was water. He wouldn’t put it past Bones to bring alcohol into the mess hall. Once Jim shot him a look, McCoy rolled his eyes. “Listen Jim, you heard Pike that first week. He made Spock eat in the mess hall for two weeks. Those weeks are up buddy.” He said. “Nothing against you or us. Just that Vulcans don’t like socializing like the rest of us.” 

”Maybe you have more in common with them than you’d like to admit.” Sulu teased, barely hiding back a smile. 

”I like socializing.” Bones argued. “Just not with idiots.” 

“You like us.” Sulu retorted. 

”I just haven’t found a way to get rid of you two yet.” McCoy. “Each hypo and diet serves to get me further away from you dumbasses.” 

Jim was in his own head. He looked distastefully down at his meal, letting a sigh out of his nose. He knew what Spock’s orders had been. He had just thought maybe…Jim shook his head. “I’m not really hungry right now.” He said, interrupting Bones and Sulu’s playful banter. “I’m gonna go turn in. Maybe stop by the gym.” He shrugged uncertainly. 

”Alright.” Bones looked at him suspiciously. Sulu offered a shrug. 

“I’m fine.” Jim said, rolling his eyes. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” He promised, waving as he headed to the door.

The door opened as Jim approached. It took him a moment to register that someone was on the other side. “Oh, sorry.” He said, sidestepping. He then realized it was Spock. “Hey Commander…er Spock.” He hesitated, unsure if he was still allowed to just call him Spock. 

”Jim.” Spock greeted with a nod. 

”Are you going to get food?” Jim asked awkwardly, feeling that he needed to say something. 

”No. Lieutenant Uhura requested to meet at my earliest convenience. This is my earliest convenience.” Spock responded. “Have you already taken your meal?” Spock was not really one for small talk, but he enjoyed the Lieutenant’s company more than he did Uhura’s, though he hadn’t interacted with her too much outside of the bridge. 

Jim nodded. “Not really hungry so I think I’m gonna head to the gym, work out until I am.” He offered a hesitant smile. 

Spock nodded. “If you are ever in need of a sparring partner, I haven’t yet found someone willing.” The statement was not false, although Spock was unsure why he offered himself so willingly. It was the strange draw he felt towards Jim. Spock knew he needed to leave him before he offered anything else. He cleared his throat, eyes finding Uhura in the room. “Pardon me. I must meet with Lieutenant Uhura.” He excused himself, walking away. 

”Bye.” Jim raised a hand, and watched as Spock walked off. Jim started back towards the gym, his heart already racing. He was a little overwhelmed and he didn’t really know how to take that offer. At least now he was certain, Spock wasn’t upset with him.

Spock hated small talk. He was bad at it too. If anything, that proved it. It had been a relief when the two weeks had been over. Even though he had felt Jim’s absence, although he would never admit it. The Lieutenant was kind to him. He may not always understand him, but he tried. And that was more than Spock could say for many of his fellow crew. 

”Hello Lieutenant Uhura.” Spock said, approaching the table where she sat with a few other officers. “You requested my assistance?” 

”Hello Commander.” Uhura offered him a warm smile. “Yes, you see before we left I found this book in an old thrift store. It’s a book of ancient Vulcan poetry and short stories. I think it’s rather old because there are some terms that I just can’t find a translation for. There’s a poem or two that I can barely read at all.” She chuckled. “I was hoping you’d be willing to assist me in translations when we’re off duty.” She said, looking up hopefully. 

Spock looked thoughtful for a moment. He nodded. “Yes, I believe that would be quite the fascinating endeavor. I will send you a list of times I am willing to meet.” He paused. “Unless you’d like to begin immediately, which I am not averse to.” Spock added. 

”Oh.” Uhura grinned. She looked around at her friends quickly. “Why don’t you give me about ten minutes, Mr. Spock. I’ll go get the book and meet you in the rec room.” She offered. 

Spock nodded. “Of course, Lieutenant.” He turned and started back out of the room. 

* * *

Spock frowned, glancing through the withered pages of the book, an expectant Uhura at his side. He raised an eyebrow. “Lieutenant…while I assume the poems have been copied more recently. The poems themselves seem to be from before the age of Surak.” 

”Really?” Uhura asked. “Well that certainly explains why I can’t understand some of it.” She let out a chuckle. “Do you think you can still translate?” 

“Well yes but…” Spock returned his gaze to the table of contents. “Lieutenant, are you aware that this book consists primarily of love poems?” 

”No, I wasn’t.” Uhura glanced at the book before she met Spock’s gaze. “Is that an issue?” 

Spock shifted slightly in his seat. “I suppose not.” 

”Commander Spock, if you’re not comfortable with it, that’s alright.” Uhura said. “I’d like help with the book, but if it comes at the cost of someone else’s comfort, it isn’t worth it.” 

”Vulcans don’t feel discomfort.” Spock responded. 

Uhura raised an eyebrow. “Uh-huh.” She said, very clearly not convinced. 

”I am fine, Lieutenant.” Spock insisted. “Now, which poem would you like to start with?”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wheeeeeeeeee. we love an update! Also a beginning of a tentative friendship with Uhura and Spock! Kinda! Hope you enjoy, and if you do, let me know!  
> Ooh also I finally made a tumblr for more Star Trek bullshit! So if u wanna hear more from me as I go through Star Trek you can follow me at spocksgotemotions BECAUSE HE DOES

Jim decided he didn’t like being on the bridge instead of a landing party. He was on the edge of his seat with each seemingly safe update. He glanced back at Scotty, then back at the image of Beta 8 in front of them. It should just be a normal diplomatic mission, a simple exchange of supplies, but Jim still felt nervous. Jim decided that moment, when he was a captain, he’d be on the landing party as often as he could be, though he knew his nerves would fade with time. The boredom, however, probably would not fade.

Jim tapped his fingers rhythmically against the control panel. He needed something to do. He felt like the captain and Spock had been gone for hours, though when he checked the clock, he saw thirty minutes had barely ticked past. He groaned. 

”Are you bored, Jim?” Sulu asked with a chuckle, glancing up from his station. 

”Extremely.” Jim said. He glanced up at Scotty. “What do you normally do when they're down on normal diplomatic missions?” He asked the engineer. 

”Buncha this.” Scotty responded. “Sitting around, waiting, hoping I don’t get a call that the Captain’s been stabbed and we need to send the doctor down, talk to crew, wait some more.” 

“I see.” Jim let out a sigh. “Scott, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve experienced on a ship?” 

Scotty was thoughtful for a moment, spinning around in his chair. “They weren't quite fun at the time, but looking back on them, the behavior altering substances are usually good for a laugh.” 

”Behavior altering?” Sulu asked, glancing back at Scotty. 

”Ya know, plants that make you happy, gases that strip you of your inhibitions, aphrodisiacs are always a cause for embarrassment.” Scotty smiled. “Don’t always affect me, since I’m in the engines, but boy is it fun to see who can’t look each other in the eye.” He let out a laugh. 

”I can imagine that would be pretty embarrassing.” Jim mused. 

”But entertaining for everyone else.” Sulu joked. 

The conversation changed topic and continued and after another hour, Pike commed in. “Ready to beam aboard Scotty.” 

”Yes, sir.” Scotty responded, sending the orders through to the transporter. “Energizing.” 

Moments later Pike and Spock returned to the bridge, Pike meddling with the neck of his uniform. “I fucking hate these formal uniforms.” He grumbled, unzipping it so he could breathe. “Mr. Spock how do you stay so composed in these torture devices?” 

”Vulcans do not feel discomfort.” Spock responded easily, returning to his station. 

”Yeah, yeah.” Pike rolled his eyes. “Kirk, set our course to Star Base 74.” He ordered. “We’ve got some crystals and reports to deliver.” He informed the crew. 

* * *

Another few hours and then their shift was over. Jim stood from his chair, stretching. He glanced over to where Spock was still standing at his station. It had been three days since Spock offered himself as a sparring partner, and although Jim had wanted to take him up on that immediately, he had forced himself to play it cool. Jim approached Spock and cleared his throat. 

Spock glanced up at Jim before returning his gaze to whatever he was working on. “Is there something you need from me, Lieutenant?” 

Jim suddenly found his heart beat going faster than usual. “Um…if your offer still stands, I was going to ask if you’d like to spar with me this afternoon?” Jim spoke slowly at first, his request speeding up at the end. “Of course if you’re busy that’s-“ 

”Are you opposed to meeting in an hour?” Spock interrupted, turning and facing Jim with a raised eyebrow. 

”No, no, that’s good.” Jim flashed a smile. “See you in an hour, Mr. Spock.” He backed up towards the lift, feeling triumphant and a little dizzy.

”I see you’re getting along well with Spock.” Pike mused, startling Jim somewhat. 

”Yeah.” Jim offered an awkward smile, pressing the button for the mess hall. He cleared his throat. 

”He’s a good man.” Pike nodded. “Capable. A little stuck up, but that’s to be expected of Vulcans.” He said with a short laugh. 

Jim didn’t quite know how to respond. He knew Pike and they had spoken a lot before, but now he just felt…uncomfortable. 

”Be careful sparring with him. Vulcans are quite a bit stronger than humans.” Pike clapped Jim on the shoulder as the lift opened and he stepped out. “See ya later, Jim.” 

* * *

”Lieutenant Uhura.” Spock nodded, sliding into the seat across from her in the rec room. “I apologize, but I am going to have to cut our translation session a little short today. I promised Lieutenant Kirk that I would spar with him in fifty four minutes.” 

Uhura smiled. “That’s alright, Spock. I appreciate you fitting me in at all.” She opened the poetry book, moving her chair a bit closer to Spock’s. “I was hoping we could focus on this one? I’ve found several definitions for the title itself, yet they’re all different, do you know how it may be used in this case? Is it brother, friend, or lover?” 

Spock cleared his throat, already knowing the poem’s title before she spoke. “It is all three, and simultaneously, none.” He said. “The word t’hy’la refers to a special Vulcan bond, the closest standard equivalent would be soulmate, but even that misunderstands the bond. It is said that there are three aspects to a t’hy’la bond, a deep friendship, a brotherhood of sorts, particular brothers in arms, and a profound romantic love, supposedly greater than any known by any other bonded pair.” 

”Fascinating.” Uhura mumbled to herself, glancing back at the page. “Are there many of these t’hy’la bonds?” 

Spock shook his head. “They were supposedly more common in pre-Surak times. Since that is when a Vulcan would chose a mate for himself, rather than be betrothed at a young age, as most are now.” 

Uhura looked up at Spock. “Mr. Spock, are you betrothed?” She asked with a tilt of her head. 

Spock did not see how this was important information, but he found he did not mind answering. “Yes, I am.” 

Uhura frowned. “But…you don’t love them?” 

Spock stiffened somewhat. “It would be illogical to wait to fall in love. Vulcans bond out of necessity, regardless of the human notion of marriage for love.” 

”But if you fell in love, if you found your t’hy’la-“ 

”The t’hy’la bond is a myth.” Spock interrupted. “Just as the human belief of a soulmate is a myth.” 

”Mr. Spock, you can’t really-“ Uhura began to argue, but Spock stood. 

”I believe that is enough for today, Lieutenant. I will see you tomorrow on the bridge.” Spock said, turning and walking out of the rec room. 

Uhura let out a huff, looking back down at the book on the table. She thought she was becoming friends with Spock. It seemed she was back at square one.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun stuff ahead. Some dramatic irony and…other stuff. If you enjoy let me know!  
> And if you wanna talk about fanfic, our bois, Star Trek, or watch me live-blog about the movies, then find me on tumblr at spocksgotemotions!  
> Thanks for reading!

Jim walked into the sparring room, just off of the main gym. He had already changed into his workout clothes, a pair of form fitting red pants and the black undershirt that came with their uniforms. Jim immediately regretted asking Spock to spar. 

Spock had already arrived, and took the logical step of beginning to stretch. He was bent at the waist, reaching down and touching his hands to the ground. Jim couldn’t stop his eyes from raking over him. He was dressed entirely in tight black clothing, and Jim was once again struck by how good he looked in black. His face flushed slightly, as Spock turned his head, hearing Jim enter. 

”Hello, Jim.” Spock said, straightening himself out. “My previous engagement ended early, so I began stretching.” 

“I hope I haven’t kept you waiting too long.” Jim said, averting his gaze and dropping his bag by the wall. 

”Not at all.” Spock said, raising his arms over his head. “I’ve only been here for 15 minutes. Hardly noteworthy, especially considering you are also earlier than our agreed upon time.” 

”I uh…heard Vulcans are sticklers for schedules.” Jim said, tearing his eyes away from the muscles in Spock’s back. He moved across the mat to do some stretches of his own. “So…what was your previous engagement, if you don’t mind my asking.” 

Spock was not particularly fond of small talk, but he was mostly done with his stretches, and so he had nothing else to take his mind off of the horrendous pants that Kirk was wearing. Horrendously red, and tight, and yet somehow they were incredibly appealing. Spock tore his eyes away from Jim’s thighs. “I have been assisting Lieutenant Uhura with the translation of ancient Vulcan poetry.” 

”That sounds pretty nice.” Jim said, leaning over to try and touch his toes. With the action, his mind immediately brought back the image of Spock bending over. Jim needed to focus on the conversation. Not how attractive Spock was. 

“It usually is quite pleasant.” Spock commented, tilting his head and managing to catch a strange expression on Jim’s face. 

”Did something make it unpleasant today?” Jim asked, clearing his throat as he straightened his back out. 

”She asked a series of illogical hypothetical questions that were of a rather personal nature.” Spock said, uncertain as to why exactly he was telling Jim as much. 

Jim lowered himself into a lunge. “Yikes.” Was all he could offer. 

After a moment in silence, Spock spoke again. “Jim, may I ask you a question that you will likely perceive as odd?” 

Jim felt himself swallow, but he didn’t have any reason to say no. “Shoot.” He said, getting to his feet and stretching out his arms. 

”Lieutenant Uhura seems to be of the belief that the concept of…a soulmate is not only likely, but true.” Spock began slowly. “Is this common among humans?” 

Jim paused. “I can’t really speak for all of humanity. I think it’s less common now. I mean there are so many people spread all out across the universe. Even if soulmates did exist, what’s the chance of anyone finding theirs?” 

”Extremely minuscule.” Spock responded. 

”Exactly.” Jim said, his arms dropping to his sides. “I think it’s a nice thought. That everybody’s got a destiny link to someone else. But in the end, I don’t think there’s anything like that.” Jim spoke softly, almost tenderly. He seemed to remember himself, and offered Spock a crooked smile. “Besides, us humans are fickle creatures, Mr. Spock. Beliefs on soulmates can change, if you’re in love, if you used to be, if you’ve never been.” 

Spock found himself fascinated, enraptured by Jim’s words. “And you?” 

”I used to believe in soulmates I think. I used to think I found ‘the one.’ Then…something happened. But I mean…anything’s possible right?” He paused, looking up at Spock. “Sorry, for rambling a bit.” 

”Don’t be.” Spock insisted, rising to his feet. “I found myself quite interested in your answer.” 

“Cool.” Jim nodded. “So…ready to start?” 

”I am, if you are.” Spock responded. 

”Don’t hold back.” Jim said. “I know you’re probably stronger than me, but a lot of opponents will be stronger than me.” 

Spock raised an eyebrow, but nodded. “I also expect you to…’give it your all,’ as I have heard Pike say.” 

Jim nodded. He crouched slightly, and Spock did the same. For a moment they just circled each other. Jim figured Spock was probably going to play the defensive. Jim tried to land a few punches, but Spock deflected them all with relative ease. When Jim tried to aim high, Spock caught his fist in mid-air. His hands left a tingling sensation on Jim’s, but they quickly moved down to his wrist, twisting Jim’s arm behind his head. Jim tried to remove himself from Spock’s hold, but every movement, Spock countered, keeping his hand locked around Jim’s wrist. Spock swept his leg under Jim’s feet, knocking him forward. He placed his foot on Jim’s back, hand still wrapped around Jim’s wrist. 

”I believe the first round goes to me.” Spock said, and although Jim couldn’t see him, he could hear the smirk in his voice as the pressure was removed from his back. 

”I’m figuring out your tactics.” Jim said, rolling over onto his back. “Pretty soon, I’m gonna be able to anticipate your every move.” He said, pushing himself to his feet. 

The corner of Spock’s mouth tilted upward as he crouched, once again waiting for Jim to make the first move. Which Jim did. The next several rounds all ended with Jim on the mat. Jim didn’t mind losing, but he could tell Spock was starting to get pretty smug. And Jim wasn’t going to let that happen. 

”I believe perhaps this should be our last match.” Spock said, an amused look glinting in his warm, brown eyes. 

”I could go all night.” Jim said, despite the fact that he was getting tired and he was covered in a fine layer of sweat. “But if you insist.” 

They got into their starting positions again. Spock expected another easy win, Jim was tired and he lost every match. It was clear that he did not expect Jim to back up. Jim then ran at him full speed. With his momentum and an elbow to the gut, he managed to knock Spock flat on his back. Jim took advantage of the situation, straddling Spock and grabbing his arms. He pinned Spock’s hands above his head. Jim was breathing heavily and was proud to see he had knocked the wind out of Spock, although it probably wasn’t hurting that he was practically sitting on his chest.

Spock found himself lost in a sea of overwhelming experiences. The weight of Jim on his chest, his proximity, the flow of emotions he could feel through the touch of Jim’s hands around his, triumph, joy, and something else just under the surface that Spock could identify if he could focus. But he couldn’t focus, not when Jim’s hands were there, a gentle pressure on his own. Not when Jim sat above him, practically glowing under the lights of the room, his face pink, his hair plastered to his forehead, his breathing heavy. Not when Jim smiled like that, so mischievously, so glorious. Not when his eyes sparkled like that, in the way where it seemed for a moment that they held every color at once. And certainly not when those horrendously glorious red pants were pressed against either side of his body. 

Spock found it difficult to keep his eyes from fluttering shut, from keeping his breath from coming out in a sigh, or worse. His heart was pounding in his side. He used every ounce of his control in that moment just to remain still, even as Jim leaned closer with that mischievous smile. “I win, Mr. Spock.” Jim finally released his hands, rising to his feet and stretching. 

Spock sat up, but found he could do nothing but watch. Jim’s hands went to the bottom of his shirt and he peeled it off. Spock took in a breath to steady himself. He averted his gaze, finally rising to his feet. Spock walked to where he had left his things. 

”Oh wait, Spock!” Jim said, pulling a looser t-shirt on over his head. Spock wished he had also discarded those horrific pants, although he was certain the alternative would test his patience even more. “Thanks for sparring with me. It was pretty fun. Even though you kicked my ass a lot.” 

Spock cleared his throat, avoiding Jim’s gaze. “Of course. That was…interesting. If you have the desire to spar again, I am a willing partner.” Spock said, almost despite himself. Though he supposed that practices in control were necessary, especially when his had been so close to slipping. He turned to leave, again. 

“One more thing,” Jim said. “I was wondering…about our earlier conversation. Do Vulcans believe in soulmates?” 

”There is a series of pre-reform literature that claims there is an ancient bond, which would be the equivalent. But now, most Vulcans see it as myth.” Spock said, his gaze firmly locked on the ground. 

”That’s what I figured.” Jim offered a smile. “See ya later, Spock.” He walked back to grab his things. 

”Goodbye, Jim.” Spock nodded, finally making his escape. His heart still raced in his side as he made his way back to his quarters. He thought of the things he needed to do. His mind kept slipping back to Jim. Jim on his chest, practically glowing. Jim’s hands on his, sending sparks and emotions through the touch. Jim’s horrible tight red pants. Spock really needed to meditate.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lately I’ve been experimenting quite a bit with this fic. Action’s (sparring last chap and…this) never really been my best, but hopefully y’all are enjoying. And if you are, let me know!
> 
> If you wanna talk to me about this fic or Star Trek in general, hit me up at spocksgotemotions on tumblr :D

Spock sat in his room. He took a deep breath, letting his eyes fall shut and falling into a meditative state. Immediately his mind was filled with Jim. His breath caught in his throat as he was assaulted with the same sensations that had overwhelmed him in the gym. Spock came to the realization that he had previously underestimated his attraction to Jim. In most circumstances, it was almost admissible. But in cases of close contact, it was very difficult to ignore. 

Spock analyzed his desires. He had never experienced such a desire for intimacy, outside of his experiences with the Vulcan equivalent of puberty. He wondered briefly if his blood was beginning to burn, but certainly if his attentions strayed from that of his bondmate they would be less specific. It was only Jim that stoked this desire within him. 

Spock remembered how Jim’s hands felt against his. Callouses against the back of his hands. Humans saw nothing wrong with the casual touch of hands, but Vulcans saw hands very differently. Spock felt his face warm as he recalled the spark of emotion that ran through their touch. He thought of those strong calloused hands, gripping his with an unanticipated strength. An intensity running through his fingertips that rivaled Spock’s own. 

Spock’s thoughts began to stray from reality. He thought of what it would feel like if Jim’s hands had taken his own differently. If he ran his fingers over each knuckle, each finger tip. If Jim had brought his hands close and pressed his lips to the back of his hands, as Spock had seen humans do before. If Jim had taken his hand and brought it to his face, to his psi points. 

Spock brought himself out of the fantasy, his hands gripping his knees. He found himself startled at where his thoughts had gone. Spock found hypotheticals distasteful. Yet without his permission, his thoughts turned to a fantasy made entirely of hypotheticals. And the mind meld…was that also a product of his physical attraction to Jim? Spock was aware that the mind meld was used with couples to enhance pleasurable experiences, but it was much more than that. It was a joining of minds only done when absolutely necessary or with someone you trusted implicitly. Spock did not feel he entirely trusted Jim, and yet, the desire was there. Spock needed to collect more information, see if it was only his body that desired Jim. 

* * *

“Pike, put me on the landing party.” Jim said. 

”There are primitive humanoid life forms down there. We have no assurances they won’t be hostile.” Pike said. “So, too dangerous, not happening.” 

Jim rolled his eyes. “We won’t be interacting with them, will we? That’s what the prime directive’s all about, right? Besides I’ve started sparring with Spock. I even managed to beat him.” Jim said, a small surge of pride at the memory of his victory from the other night. 

Pike let out a breath through his teeth. “You’re a lot like your dad, you know? Fine. But you’re staying by Spock’s side and if I hear you’re annoying him you won’t get on another landing party for months, you hear me?” 

”Yes, sir.” Jim grinned, offering a salute. 

”Spock!” Pike called looking over at his first officer. “Add Lieutenant Kirk to the landing party and tell the rest of the party to head down to the transporter room.” 

”Yes, Captain.” Spock said, glancing over his shoulder at the gleeful Lieutenant. He was conflicted about Jim being included on the mission and even more conflicted about him being ordered to stay with Spock. But this also gave Spock the opportunity to observe him and analyze his reactions to him.

Soon the landing party beamed down to Hestias. The air was warm and dry, with multicolored sands and stones beneath their feet. Jim let out a soft breath, looking around the place in awe. It was so different from the other places he had seen. He guessed that eventually the wonder of stepping on a new planet would wear off, but it hadn’t yet, and he was going to enjoy the feeling while it remained. 

They were there to investigate the different life forms on Hestias, Jim could see multi colored rodents scurrying to and fro in the sand. When they stayed still, it was almost difficult to see them. He glanced at Spock, who was already deeply engrossed in his tricorder. “So do you think there’s some sort of predator that they need the camouflage for?” Jim asked Spock. 

”It is likely that is the case.” Spock admitted, glancing over at Jim. 

”It makes them look pretty cool.” Jim said with a nod. 

Spock raised an eyebrow before turning his gaze back to his tricorder. “Indeed.” He said, dryly. 

Jim smiled despite himself. He knew Spock found him amusing. Illogical, but amusing. 

”Spock! Kirk!” Pike called. “There seems to be an oasis this way.” He started walking, the rest of the landing party behind him. It was a small team, McCoy, Pike, Spock, Jim, and a security officer Davis. 

”Hey Spock.” Jim smiled, picking up a sharp rock with a greenish hue that fit in his hand. “This rock reminds me of you.” 

Spock raised an eyebrow as a responde. 

”It’s kinda shaped like your ears. And it’s the same kind of green.” Jim said, smiling at Spock’s reaction. 

”I see.” Spock said after a moment. 

”Incredible discovery, Jim.” McCoy said, a hand on his shoulder. Jim shrugged and kept the rock in hand, tossing it up and trying to catch it. 

The oasis was big. With winding trees that reminded Jim of Earth’s palm trees, only with bushier leaves. Insects buzzed around their heads, but seemed to lose interest once they realized they weren’t the brightly colored flowers growing out of the bark of the trees. In the center of it all was a body of water. When they came upon it, Jim was surprised they hadn’t seen it sooner. It seemed endless. He looked around them and it seemed to go for miles. It was a beautiful teal blue that despite being so clear, Jim couldn’t see the bottom of. 

”Fascinating.” Spock mused, kneeling down by where the water began. “It seems that the shores drops off very quickly to extreme depths.” He reached down with his tricorder to scan the surface. 

Jim saw something in the water ”Spock!” Jim called, running towards him as a teal webbed hand shot out of the water and gripped Spock’s wrist. 

Spock was pulled forward, surprised by the creature’s sudden appearance. He fell into the water, that despite the warm atmosphere, was shockingly cold. He opened his eyes and saw a humanoid figure, pulling him deeper. It was teal skinned and bald, it’s skin was startlingly warm to the touch and when Spock attempted to fight back he was surprised by a hiss and rows of sharp teeth. Vulcans were not particularly adept swimmers, though Spock did his best. 

The moment Spock was pulled in, Jim through his phaser and communicator to the side. He held tightly to his rock and dived into the water. He could see Spock and the creature not far below him. With the momentum of his dive he almost made it to them. He swam a little further, not as good of a swimmer as the creature, but he was not weighed down with a resisting Vulcan. But Spock was losing air and his power. 

Jim grabbed the creature with his legs and stabbed it in the back of the neck with his rock. It wasn’t so sharp that it actually did much damage, but the creature released Spock, who, with a little push, began to escape to the surface. It let out a screech and unveiled its rows upon rows of teeth. Jim slightly cursed his lack of planning as he desperately swam to the surface. The creature grabbed a hold of his left leg and it did not seem to want to let go. Jim felt a sharp pain in his leg and he let out a scream, bubbles flying towards the surface. 

Someone jumped in above him. If only he could get free. He kicked wildly at the creature, with his right leg, until finally he felt his foot connect with its face. He began swimming towards the surface again, ignoring the warmth of the water around his leg. When he got close to the surface Lieutenant Davis offered him a hand and helped pull him to the surface. 

“Holy shit!” Jim exclaimed, gulping in air as Davis helped him onto the shore. “Fuck, those things have some fucking teeth on them.” He said between desperate gasps for air. 

”Godammit Jim.” Bones muttered, leaving Spock’s side to come to Jim’s. 

”Is my leg still there?” Jim asked with a teasing smile. He knew that if he didn’t joke, he’d actually look down and see blood and whatever else the beast got free. 

”Mostly.” Bones grumbled, pulling a scanner out. “You’ve even gotten one of its teeth.” 

”Lucky me.” Jim gritted his teeth, as Bones shot him with a hypo. 

”Scotty, prepare to beam up landing party. Arrange for a med team to meet us there.” Pike said into his communicator. 

Spock watched. He was in awe, still a little lightheaded, but otherwise fine. He stared at Jim. He watched the sand under his leg, previously a multitude of muted greens, blues, and oranges, as it became flooded and painted over with red. 

They arrived on deck and Jim was immediately carried away. ”Spock, what about you? Are you alright?” Pike asked, concern coloring his face as he reached for Spock’s shoulder. 

”I am in good condition.” Spock nodded. “I simply find myself…” Spock didn’t know how to phrase what he was feeling. “I’m in an unfamiliar emotional state.” He said slowly. “Certainly the creature would have killed me, had Kirk not jumped in and attacked. And yet doing so injured him.” 

”You sound like you’re still a little shocked.” Pike said. “If you want you can go back to your quarters and meditate, take the rest of the shift off, go see Jim if you’re worried or feeling guilty or anything.” 

Spock shook his head. “I’m fine.” But Jim’s voice was ringing in his ears, calling his name in a panicked voice before the world became muted.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m trying to make chapters a little longer, see how that works out. This might be a limited thing (along with the crazy update schedule lmao). I’m still on winter break for another week and I’m very bored, so I’ve had a lot of time to write. Might end up changing, might not.
> 
> In the mean time, hope you’re enjoying and if you are let me know!
> 
> [EDIT] Just remembered I also wanted to mention that this is an AU where Spock talks to his goddamn parents because he deserves it

“Any plans for tonight, Spock?” Pike asked as the pair entered into the turbo lift together. 

”I am going to visit Jim in the medbay.” Spock answered hesitantly. 

”Oh really?” Pike raised an eyebrow. “That’s where I’m headed too.” He offered a smile, clapping Spock on the back as the lift began its descent. 

Spock nodded, unsure of how to respond. He held his hands behind his back as the lift arrived. They stepped to the medbay. 

”Nurse Chapel,” Pike greeted. “We’re here to check in on Jim.” He said with a smile. 

”Right over there.” She pointed. 

Spock and Pike made their way over to Jim’s bed, McCoy standing over him. 

”Hey Bones! I told you Spock would visit! You owe me five credits.” Jim said with a smug smile. 

”Spock, are you here of your own accord, or did Pike make you?” Bones asked. 

”I came of my own accord. It is mere coincidence that the captain was also planning on visiting.” Spock said, not sure whether he was more insulted by the bet, or McCoy’s doubt. 

McCoy grumbled some response as Pike stepped up to Jim’s side. “How’s the leg, Kirk?” 

”I’m fine.” Jim said. “Bones just won’t let me leave.” He said, shooting a look at the doctor. 

”Jim, a space mermaid took out a chunk of your leg bigger than a damn tricorder.” McCoy said. “You lost a lot of blood and I’m keeping you here.” 

Spock looked at Jim. His left pant leg was rolled up and there was a patch of red skin. “Remarkable, how one would not be able to tell you were injured.” 

”Those dermal regenerators are something special.” Bones nodded. 

“I’m glad to see you’re alright, Jim.” Pike said. “It was a reckless move, but you saved me a good first officer. Try to be a bit more careful next time.” He warmed with a fond smile. Pike turned to leave. “Spock, you coming?” 

Spock hesitated for a moment. “I wish to speak with Lieutenant Kirk a moment longer.” He responded. Pike shrugged, heading back towards the lift. 

Jim smiled at Spock as Bones walked off, staring at a clipboard. “You wanna know something?” Jim asked, beckoning Spock closer as if he were about to reveal a secret. Spock walked to the head of Jim’s head. 

”I know it’s stupid, but sometimes I wish those regenerators still left behind scars.” Jim said, propping himself up. “I used to have scars all over my legs and arms when I was younger. I just think it’s…it’s like a reminder. You look down and see everything you’ve been through, but you’re still living.”

”It is an illogical sentiment.” Spock said slowly. “And yet…I believe I understand.” 

”Thanks.” Jim said, meeting Spock’s gaze. 

”I do not understand why you thank me. Especially not when I should be thanking you.” Spock said, pulling a chair next to Jim’s side and sitting so he was no longer looking down at him. 

”Spock, you don’t have to-“ Jim began, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“I am positive that if you had not dived after me, I would not be alive.” Spock interrupted. “I wish to express gratitude to you.” 

”The thank you is fine.” Jim assured him. 

”I also wish to ask you why.” Spock said quickly. 

Jim was a bit taken aback by the question. “Why?” He repeated, blinking in confusion. 

”It is logical to put one’s own survival over another. Yet you threw yourself into danger to save my life. Why?” Spock repeated, curiosity sparkling in his eyes. 

”I could give you a hundred reasons why, Mr. Spock.” Jim said with a small chuckle as he fell back onto his bed. “But if I’m honest.” Jim turned his head to look at Spock. “The main reason is that you’re my friend, Spock.” He smiled. “I like spending time with you. I think you’re funny, and you’re the smartest man I’ve ever met. So when I saw it grab you, there was no question.” 

Jim sat up again, reaching over to lay a hand on Spock’s shoulder. “I’d give life and limb for the people I care about, Mr. Spock.” He squeezed Spock’s shoulder once before removing his hand. “I know Vulcans aren’t so quick to form friendships, so it’s alright if you can’t think of me as your friend yet. It doesn’t matter, cause you’re my friend.” He offered Spock a dazzling sort of half smile. “I know it’s a bit illogical, but it’s how I work.” 

Spock sat in shock for a moment. How could he respond to that speech? How could he respond to the fact that Jim had saved his life, not out of a sense of duty, but rather a fondness? How could he respond to what was his first and only friendship? “Thank you.” He said softly. “I suppose…I also see you as a friend.” Spock was uncertain of his words, but they were rewarded with such a brilliant smile that they could not have been wrong. 

”I’m glad.” Jim said. 

Spock cleared his throat, rising to his feet. “Rest well, Jim.” He said, leaving the medbay.

After a few minutes, Bones walked back over to Jim’s side, sitting in the seat Spock recently vacated. “You know, that was probably pretty hard for him to say.” He commented. 

”I know.” Jim responded, looking down at his hands. 

”Do you think he’d feel the same if he knew you were pining after him?” Bones asked with a raised eyebrow.

”Bones, I’m not-“ Jim grumbled with a sigh, his head falling back. “I find him attractive and I enjoy his company, which isn’t pining. And even if I was, which I’m not, you know I’d risk my life for any of my friends.” 

”I know. You’re dumb and you’ve got a big heart.” Bones said with an amused smile. “But that big, dumb heart means you have a tendency to fall-“ 

”I get it.” Jim interrupted. “You think that because he’s a Vulcan, and I’m an idiot, I’m gonna get my heartbroken. I know. But it’s not like that.” Jim insisted. “I know I don’t have a chance and it’s okay, cause I don’t feel that way towards him. In fact, I’m really looking forward to shoreleave, because I’m gonna have a one night stand.” 

”Please use protection.” Bones warned. “If I have to treat you for some funky space STD, I’m gonna kick your ass into another quadrant.” 

”Hey! I’m careful!” Jim huffed. 

”Uh-huh, sure.” Bones rolled his eyes. 

”When can I leave?” Jim asked. “I’m being bullied by my doctor.” 

”I’ll set you free in a few hours. Just stay hydrated and Chapel will bring you a snack in a bit.” McCoy said, glancing up at the screen above Jim’s head. 

”Ugh.” Jim groaned, falling back onto the bed. 

* * *

”Spock!” Amanda grinned at her son through the screen. 

”Hello mother.” Spock responded. “I apologize that I have been unable to make contact these past two weeks. I have found myself quite busy.” 

”It’s fine, ashaya.” Amanda assured him. “I’m glad to see you are well. Though I’m curious as to what has kept you so busy. You’ve rarely missed a call since the beginning of your first mission.” 

Spock cleared his throat. “I have been more…social, as both you and Captain Pike have been urging.” 

”Really?” Amanda’s eyes widened in surprise. 

Spock nodded, avoiding his mother’s prying gaze. “I have been assisting Lieutenant Uhura in translating ancient Vulcan poetry. I have also recently begun sparring with Lieutenant Kirk.” 

”And are you enjoying yourself?” Amanda asked concerned. “Spock, you don’t have to do anything that makes you-“ 

”I enjoy most of my sessions with Uhura.” Spock interrupted, knowing where his mother’s question was going. “My first sparring session with Kirk was…fascinating.” 

”Fascinating?” Amanda asked. The word held so many meanings to the Vulcans she surrounded herself with. She was still discovering what it meant. 

”Jim Kirk himself is an object of fascination.” Spock continued, almost as if he hadn’t heard his mother speak. “He saved my life today.” He said, eyes flickering towards his mother to gauge her reaction. He didn’t give her a chance to respond. “Later, I asked him why he did so when it is more logical to preserve one’s life. He told me that I am his friend and that is why he risked his life for mine.” 

”Oh Spock.” Amanda said softly, her hand covering her mouth. It was times like this when she recalled Spock as a child. Back when he was trying so hard to hide his emotions, trying so hard to be Vulcan. When the other Vulcan children claimed it was illogical to spend time with Spock because he was impure. “I’m…I’m glad you’ve found a friend.” She smiled.

“I…am also content.” Spock responded, looking down. “But mother, there is so much about him I do not understand.”

”And I am sure there are many things about you that he does not understand.” Amanda said with a smile. 

Spock nodded. He took a steadying breath. “How have you and father been?” 

Amanda spoke for a bit about recent developments in her studies, and a few anecdotes about Sarek’s recent duties. She paused as they were coming to an end of the call. “Spock, is there something else bothering you?” She asked tenderly. 

”I would not say it is ‘bothering’ me, but I do have a question that is perhaps more suited to father.” 

”I may be able to assist you.” Amanda offered. “If not I can go get him.” 

”Very well.” Spock nodded. “Mother, are you aware whether or not Vulcans feel physical attraction?” 

Amanda blinked. She forced a small smile onto her face. “I beg your pardon?” 

”Are most Vulcans capable of finding others physically attractive?” Spock rephrased his question. 

Amanda nodded, her face pink with embarrassment. She could not believe her son, who was almost thirty and had already gone through puberty was asking her this question. Of course, the thought occurred to her, when Vulcans discussed choosing mates (should a Vulcan not be betrothed), they always made it out to be pure logic, a calling of minds, rather than attraction to a body. “Spock, Vulcans do experience…physical attraction. It is much rarer for a Vulcan than for a human. It usually occurs in times close to Pon Farr or when they have found a mind that is strongly compatible with their own.” She spoke slowly, thankful for her years of study on Vulcan, if only that they made her able to give her son the “talk.” “Does that answer your question?” 

”Yes.” Spock nodded, his hand resting on his face. He looked thoughtful. “I will need to consider this information.” He reached forward to end the call. 

”Wait!” Amanda said suddenly. “You wouldn’t be asking this question as a hypothetical. Spock, do you have a crush?” She asked, curiously. She had never liked T’Pring or the Vulcan’s arranges betrothals and if Spock thought he could be in love with someone… Of course Amanda wanted that for him. 

”I am uncertain, and unwilling to share at the moment.” Spock responded quickly. “Live long and prosper, mother.” He raised his hand in the Vulcan salute before he ended the call. 

His attraction to Jim Kirk was apparently a statement that their minds were very compatible. A fascinating prospect, but one that meant very little. Spock was contented with his friendship to Jim Kirk. He had no desire to begin a relationship with a human, and certainly not another crew member.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was a little difficult at first, but I think it ended up pretty good. (Also pretty long lmao)
> 
> Anyways thanks for reading, hope you enjoy and if you do, let me know! Y’all’s comments give me life!!

“Spock, do you think you’ll want a night of shore leave?” Pike glanced back at where Spock was standing on the bridge. It was a slow day, simply flying to Star Base 84, where said shore leave would take place. 

”I do not require shore leave.” Spock responded simply. 

”That wasn’t the question, Mr. Spock.” Pike said, an amused smile touching his face. “I asked if you wanted it. Regardless, I can get you on the first shift, if you decide you want to.” 

”I do not-“ 

Pike raised a hand to quiet him. “Think about it, and let me know before tomorrow evening.” He said. He stood and stretched before he smiled at the officer coming to relieve him.

“Hey, Spock!” Jim exclaimed, as he jogged onto the lift alongside Spock. “You should come on shore leave! Me and Bones are also on the first shift. We’re planning on checking out the bar scene on the star base.” Jim offered. 

”Vulcans are not affected by alcohol.” Spock said with a raised eyebrow. “There would be no reason for me to join you.” 

”Except spending time with your good friends.” Jim said, looking up at Spock. “It’d be fun.” He promised. 

”I think I will decline.” Spock said, stepping out of the lift. 

”Oh!” Jim exclaimed, following Spock out. “Think of it as a study. You’re studying the effects of alcohol on humans.” Spock tilted his head with an expression that told Jim it wasn’t likely. Jim sighed, his hand coming to rest on Spock’s shoulder. He had hoped it wouldn’t come to this. “Alright. I sure hope me and Bones don’t get too drunk and get into some dangerous predicament without a level-headed sober person…” 

Spock let a breath through his nose. “Alright Lieutenant. I’ll join you. If only to insure neither of you get yourselves injured.” 

”Great!” Jim grinned. “I’ll tell Bones you’ll be joining us.” 

”Marvelous.” Spock said, fighting the human urge to roll his eyes. He found it quite difficult for him to say no to Jim. Yet this wasn’t a terrible task for him to undertake. Spock was even curious to investigate the bar that Jim and McCoy wanted to visit. 

* * *

“You sure we can handle a drunk Vulcan?” McCoy asked as the trio walked from where they transported down to the bar on the base. 

”Vulcans do not become intoxicated by alcohol.” Spock responded with a quirked eyebrow. “Regardless, I only intend to observe.” 

”He’s our designated walker, Bones.” Jim smiled, clapping McCoy on the back. 

”You still planning on a hookup?” Bones asked, his eyes flickering to Spock in a suspicious way. 

”Yup. If there’s anything good in there, I hope to take advantage of it.” Jim nodded, shooting a warning glare at Bones as they got close to the building. 

”I am afraid I am unaware of the term.” Spock said, noticing the look between them. “In this context, what is a ‘hookup?’” He asked. 

Bones tried to hold back a smile. He nodded. “Jim?” 

”Um…” Jim’s eyes widened. “A hookup is when two people get together…casually for a bit of casual…fun.” 

Spock raised an eyebrow. He felt there was something being left out of this definition. “So this is a hookup?” 

Bones let out a bark of laughter. “It’s sex, Spock.” He said, once he regained the ability to speak. “Some humans like to have casual sex, where they fuck once and then never see the other person again. And that’s what Jim’s looking for.” 

Spock averted his gaze from Jim, the tips of his ears becoming a faint shade of green. “I see. Vulcans do not participate in such a practice.” 

”A lot of humans don’t either.” Bones said, clapping a mortified Jim on the shoulder. “But Jimmy’s a horndog.” 

“Bones, stop.” He hissed, as the trio entered a dimly lit bar. It was a big room, sporadically filled with humans and aliens alike. A band played a sad ballad on the end of the room. The room was draped in shades of red, with tables and chairs on one half of the room and a dance floor on the other. They approached the bar across the room. 

”What can I get you three?” A four armed bartender smiled at them, her teeth a little sharper and whiter than a human’s. 

“Forellian scotch, if you got it.” McCoy said, smiling back easily. She nodded. 

”I’ll have what he’s having.” Jim added. 

”Just a water.” Spock said. 

The bartender smiled back with those sharp teeth. “So…are you on the ship that just came in?” She asked, her voice lisping slightly on her s’s. 

”Yes, ma’am.” Bones nodded. “All from the Enterprise. I’m Doctor McCoy, this is my buddy Jim, and our friend Mr. Spock.” 

“Nice to meet you.” She offered a wink with two of her four eyes. “I hope you three enjoy your night.” She said, handing them their drinks and walking off to greet another pair of customers. 

Jim’s eyes sweeped over the room. More people were filtering into the bar. This star base was pretty populated. So Jim didn’t feel so bad about his chances. Of course…his eyes flickered over to Spock. That made things a bit more difficult. 

”See anything good?” McCoy drawled, noticing Jim’s gaze had settled to Spock. 

Jim cleared his throat, bringing his drink to his lips. “Not yet.” He murmured. 

”How are you aware if another human is interested in a hookup?” Spock inquired curiously. 

Jim threw back his drink. “You talk and flirt.” He said, looking away. 

”Flirt.” Spock repeated thoughtfully. 

”Ya know.” Jim shrugged. “Compliments and casual touching and stuff.” 

”Can you demonstrate?” Spock asked. McCoy let out another burst of laughter, covering it up by bringing his drink to his lips. 

”Alright well…” Jim took a breath, glancing at Bones. 

”No.” McCoy responded, gesturing to Spock with his drink. 

Jim cleared his throat. “Well, if I were trying to flirt with you.” He looked at Spock, his heart beginning to race in his chest. “I’d put my hand on your arms. And I’d say something I find attractive about you. Like…your eyes. They’re gorgeous. They’re so smart and sharp, but there’s something warm in them.” Jim said, slowly, as if he hadn’t thought this before. 

”Fascinating.” Spock said, tilting his head. 

”Right.” Bones said, flagging the bartender down for two more drinks. “Now Spock, we’ve gotta play the wingmen. We’re gonna try to help Jim find someone stupid enough to screw him.” 

”Is it a prerequisite that they lack intelligence?” Spock asked. 

”No.” Jim said. “Bones is just being an ass.” 

McCoy rolled his eyes. “Alright Jim. What’re ya looking for? Guy or gal or something in between?” 

”Sexy likes sexy, Bones. As per the usual.” Jim responded, his eyes scanning the new arrivals. A few people caught his eye. A shorter woman with dark hair, blue eyes, and extravagant makeup. A tall lithe man in blue with blond hair and dark eyes. But between every person he looked beside him and saw Spock. And none of them compared. 

“What about her?” Bones asked, nodding to a tall woman, dark hair and eyes. She was muscular and in a blue dress that wrapped around her. 

”Perfect.” Jim smiled, taking one last sip from his drink before he made his way over to the woman. 

”I have learned much more than I expected to.” Spock said to McCoy as they watched Jim approach the woman. She was just the slightest bit taller than him. Spock watched Jim curiously as he flirted, something in his side clenching. 

”Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” McCoy responded, taking another drink. 

”I am uncertain.” A small frown began to form on Spock’s face as the woman laughed, and they walked back to the bar arm in arm. He bit back a strange anger that arose in him suddenly as he watched Jim slip his arm around the woman’s back. “Is this a common occurrence for Jim?” Spock asked, tearing his eyes away from the couple. 

“Yup, pretty common.” Bones nodded. “He’s left me to walk home by myself plenty of times.” He commented, looking from the couple to Spock. “Course I don’t much enjoy the hookup scene. I prefer actual relationships. Vulcans are the same way right?” 

”Vulcans are betrothed at a very young age.” Spock said. “Adultery is frowned upon, unless it is a more suitable bondmate.” He took a long sip from his water. 

”How do you feel about your uh…fiancée, if you don’t mind me asking?” Bones asked, sipping from his drink. 

”It has been years since I have seen T’Pring. Our bond is extremely tentative and I know she wishes for it to be dissolved.” Spock admitted. 

”Wow.” McCoy said with wide eyes. “I’m sorry Spock. Are you gonna…have it dissolved?” 

”I believe it may be dissolving with only the assistance of our distance and lack of communication.” Spock responded. He saw no reason to tell McCoy any of this. Then he glanced at where Jim was now kissing the girl he had been speaking to and another wave of anger filled him. Spock decided a distracting conversation was a good thing. 

”That sucks.” McCoy commented. “I got divorced. Not too terribly long ago.” He glanced down at his hand where there used to be a ring. “We just didn’t work. It’s better we split up now, but I rarely get to see Jo, our daughter, when I’m on Earth. And of course, we got video calls and shit, but it’s not the same.” 

”I grieve with thee.” Spock said with a hesitant hand to McCoy’s shoulder. 

Bones didn’t know quite how to respond to that, so he just nodded. “Thanks, Spock.” They sat in silence for a moment, both just drinking their drinks. “Ugh, will you look at him?” Bones groaned, nodding to where Jim had a girl on his lap and a tongue down his throat. “Get a room!” He shouted. 

“Indeed.” Spock said, clenching his fists at his side as another wave of rage crashed through him. He did not like the woman. He did not like the way she was touching Jim. He did not like that Jim was letting her touch him like that. Spock attempted briefly to recognize the emotion, but found it was too overwhelming for him to categorize at the moment. He simply looked away from the couple, hoping they would stop and the feeling would subside. 

After a moment, they did stop. The woman pulling Jim to his feet. She grabbed his hand, an action that made Spock’s blood boil, then she pulled him out of the bar. Spock did not feel better. He took a breath through his nose, turning his gaze back to McCoy and trying to pay attention to whatever it was he was talking about.

Spock tried to analyze the odd emotion he felt as he walked McCoy back to the transport location.

”What’s got your panties in a twist?” Bones asked, laying a hand on Spock’s shoulder. 

Spock shrugged the hand off. “The state of my undergarments is not your priority.” Spock responded simply. 

”No, no, I’m trying to ask, what’s wrong?” Bones corrected himself. “You seem…grumpy.” 

”Grumpy.” Spock repeated, raising an eyebrow. 

”In a foul mood.” Bones explained. 

McCoy was intoxicated and Spock had already shared more than he typically would. “I find myself upset towards Jim leaving to sleep with that woman.” 

Bones nodded sagely. “Yeah, it can be frustrating the first few times your buddy abandons you. There used to be this old saying…bros before hoes. Meaning friendship before sexual pleasure.” McCoy shrugged. “Sometimes you just gotta let him go off and make mistakes.” 

Spock nodded, uncertain of McCoy’s reasoning. “I’m not sure. I feel as though I would not have been upset if Jim had simply left before us alone.” 

”Maybe you’re jealous.” McCoy shrugged again. “You wish you could just go off and have hookups like Jim, but you can’t. It’s not in your DNA.” He rambled. 

Spock’s eyes widened slightly. Jealousy. That was the emotion. “Perhaps.” He said slowly. He pulled out his communicator as they reached where they had teleported down. “Two to beam up.” He said. They reappeared on the deck of the ship. “Do you need me to help you to your quarters?” Spock asked as McCoy stumbled slightly off the transporter. 

”I’m fine.” McCoy insisted, steadying himself. “That damn thing always screws me up on the dismount.” He grumbled, heading towards the lift, Spock walking behind him. 

”You could probably use a good hookup.” McCoy said thoughtfully as the door to the lift closed. “Especially since your bond’s dissolving.” 

“Is that your medical opinion, Doctor?” Spock asked, dryly. 

McCoy let out a laugh. “And they say Vulcans don’t have a sense of humor.” He clapped Spock on the back. “I’ll see you later, Spock.” He stepped off of the lift, walking towards his quarters. 

Spock went towards his own quarters, lost in thought. Jealousy. But was it as the doctor said? Was Spock really just jealous of the freedom with which Jim acted? Or was it rooted in something more dangerous, Spock’s attraction to Jim? Spock didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to consider the latter. He pushed it back in his mind, storing the jealousy in the ever growing corner where he stored his attraction to Jim. Spock took a deep breath, entering his quarters. Meditation and rest and hopefully these thoughts and feelings would be gone.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back at it again with another chapter! A bit of a resolution, but not really lmao.  
> I’m really excited for the next few chapters tbh. One of them is something I’ve had planned since day one, the other has been foreshadowed a bit and will definitely be a fun one ;)
> 
> Anyways until then, thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy, and if you do let me know!

Spock approached Uhura, who was reading in the rec room. “Lieutenant Uhura. I wished to apologize for the end of our last session.” He said slowly. “My behavior was rude. I hope we may continue our translation of the poems.” 

Uhura offered him a smiled. “Apology accepted. I also want to say I’m sorry for pestering you so much. I know Vulcans value their privacy.” 

Spock nodded. “Thank you for your understanding. Perhaps we can continue our translation-“ 

”Spock!” He was interrupted by Jim’s joyful exclamation. “Hey bud.” He grinned, clapping Spock on the back. “How was the rest of your evening?” He asked. 

Spock’s back stiffened, and a small frown appeared on his face. He schooled his face back into its neutral mask. “Fine. I had several interesting discussions with Dr. McCoy.” He said. 

”Glad to hear it.” Jim said, slightly surprised by Spock’s cold demeanor. “I’m playing cards with some of the others tonight, but maybe we could spar, or do something else sometime soon?” Jim offered. 

”Perhaps.” Spock offered noncommittally, refusing to look Jim in the eye. “I have been rather busy lately.” 

”Alright.” Jim said, nodding and backing up. “See you later, I guess. Uhura.” He nodded to her before he backed up and walked away. 

Uhura looked at Spock suspiciously. “What was that?” 

”Nothing.” Spock responded, his eyes flickering towards Jim’s back. 

”Are you upset with him?” Uhura asked, curiously. “Wait. Sorry. I said I wouldn’t pry anymore.” 

”No, I…I do not mind.” Spock responded, sliding into the seat next to her. He rested his arms on the table, pressing his fingers together. “Jim invited…or rather pressured me into going to a bar along with him and Dr. McCoy.” He paused, trying to think of how to word his issue. “Less than an hour into the evening, Jim found a woman he found suitably pleasing and left us to ‘hookup’ with her.” 

”Alright.” Uhura nodded. “Well that’s kinda douchey, but is that the only reason you’re upset with him?” 

”I…am uncertain.” Spock said slowly. “I find myself frustrated with him for reasons I don’t quite understand.” 

”Well, have you meditated on it? That’s how Vulcans deal with emotions, right?” Uhura asked, leaning forward on her hand. 

”Usually it is. But I have found myself unable to analyze them at the moment.” Spock responded. 

Uhura nodded thoughtfully. “Oh! Something I’ve found to be helpful when I’m working through emotions is creative expression. Do you play any instruments or write or-“ 

”I have a Vulcan lyre in my quarters.” Spock responded. 

”The Vulcan lyre!” Uhura exclaimed with a smile. “Why don’t you go get it and perform something for us?” She asked. 

Spock looked thoughtful for a moment. He nodded slowly, rising to his feet and heading towards the door. The Vulcan lyre was not usually an emotional instrument. But Spock was less adept with dealing with emotion than Uhura. He trusted her advice. 

* * *

”He’s acting like he did at first.” Jim frowned. “Bones, did he say anything about being upset to you?” Jim asked desperately. He didn’t want to lose Spock’s friendship because he accidentally did something stupid. 

”I don’t remember specifics, but I think he’s frustrated.” Bones responded with a shrug. “I mean, Jim. He didn’t even really want to come out with us in the first place. He did it for you. And then you left him alone with a drunk doctor in a bar.” 

”Shit.” Jim grumbled, rubbing his face. “You’re exactly right. I should’ve at least told him I was probably going to be leaving early.” Jim let out a groan, letting his head fall forward onto the table. “I’m a douchebag.” He mumbled. 

”Just a little.” McCoy responded, patting his back reassuringly. 

”I’ll apologize to him, next time I see him.” Jim said, lifting his head off the table for a moment. 

”Good.” Bones nodded. “Did the girl help you get your mind off him?” 

”My mind hasn’t been on him.” Jim argued weakly. Bones sent him a pointed look and Jim let out a sigh. “No.” He grumbled. “She did not.” Jim sat up, looking at his friend. “It’s not like…feelings feelings. It’s just that he’s hot.” 

”Uh-huh.” McCoy hummed unconvincingly. 

”I’ll get over it.” Jim insisted. 

”Not saying anything, Jimmy.”

“I hate you, you know.” Jim mumbled. 

”Sure you do.” 

* * *

Spock returned to the rec room, his lyre in his arms. He slid back into his seat beside Uhura, resting the lyre on his lap. He plucked a few of the strings, glancing at Uhura. “Any requests or suggestions?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

”Just play what you feel like, Spock.” Uhura said, leaning forward. “Play out your emotions.” 

Spock looked thoughtful for a moment. He started slowly, his fingers strumming and plucking with an elegance and ease Uhura hadn’t expected. The music was precise and unique.

Jim lifted his eyes from the table as he heard the strange melody. It was a sad sort of song, one that shook his core. He thought he might have recognized it, but as he searched his mind for it, he found nothing. He finally turned to see who the virtuoso was. His heart clenched in his chest as he realized the music was coming from Spock. 

Spock’s eyes fell shut, his hands playing from memory. He didn’t know why it came to mind. It was an ancient Vulcan composition he had learned while he was in the academy. A ballad of a warrior mourning the loss of his bondmate who was killed in battle. Spock had used his spare time to learn several ancient compositions. Of course there were more modern pieces he could have played, but the ancient ones were the ones that connected with him more for reasons he didn’t understand. Perhaps his human half saw something of itself in the emotionality of them. 

His fingers stilled and he opened his eyes, as the song came to an end. Spock was a bit surprised to see he had amassed a small crowd. A small round of applause went through the room. Most people turned back to what they had been doing before, although a select few sat in front of him to see what he played next. Spock’s eyes met Jim’s. 

He averted his gaze and looked down at the instrument in his hands. His fingers began to dance across the strings as he began to weave another ancient Vulcan melody. It was a song of betrayal. Normally it was accompanied by a vocalist, but Spock didn’t sing. It recalled a fable about a le-matya and a sehlat, who had been allied, until the le-matya left the sehlat in the face of hunters. It was meant to illustrate the importance of independence, yet Spock always noticed instead the loneliness of the sehlat before it’s death.

The final notes faded, and another small round of applause went through the room. Jim was closer now. “Hey Spock. You’re…really good at that.” He paused. “Can we talk for a second?” 

Spock raised an eyebrow at the request, but nodded, laying his lyre on the table. Uhura slipped out of her chair, offering Spock a reassuring smile. 

Jim slid into the chair Uhura had left. “Bones pointed out that I was kind of a douchebag last night.” He said, looking down. “And he’s right I was. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have left you like that after I begged you to come along.” He let out a breath. “I know friendship doesn’t come as easily to you, but I need you to know how glad I am to be your friend.” Jim said, his hands coming to grasp at Spock’s arms. “I don’t want anything to hurt it.” He said, his hands sliding down to grasp Spock’s in his own. “You Just have to let me know if I upset you, so I can fix it.” 

Spock’s eyes widened as a shiver went down his spine. Through the contact he could feel Jim’s earnestness and compassion. It was almost intoxicating. Spock’s heart began to race in his side and he felt his breath falter.

”Are we okay?” Jim asked softly, tilting his head. 

Spock looked Jim in the eyes. They were so sweet and earnest. The sort of eyes that held the universe. Those eyes would be his undoing. Spock nodded, forcing his gaze away from Jim’s. “We’re fine.” He said. Jim squeezed his hands grinning, and Spock’s breath hitched. “Jim.” He said abruptly. “I must tell you, Vulcans’ hands are…incredibly sensitive.” He said, trying to stress the word to explain his meaning. 

”Oh, shit, I’m sorry!” Jim exclaimed, instantly releasing Spock’s hands. “I’m so sorry.” 

”It is fine.” Spock insisted, taking a steadying breath. “You were unaware.” His hands were cold and empty. He felt the strange desire to take Jim’s hands back. He resisted, bringing himself to meet Jim’s eyes. “Perhaps we will spar again later this week.” Spock offered. “Or a game of chess if you are seeking a change of pace.” 

Jim grinned, rising to his feet. “I’d love a chess game sometime! Bones refuses to play me. He says I cheat. But I’m just better than him.” 

”I will enjoy testing your skill.” Spock responded with the corner of his mouth tilting upward in a small smile. But there was a full ache in his chest that Spock couldn’t identify. He didn’t want to identify it. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back again! This chapter is one I’ve been planning since the beginning, so I’m pretty stoked that I finally wrote it out.  
> Next one will also be fun. And I’m on a train for 8+ hours tomorrow (I guess technically later today), so I’ve got lots of time to write.
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoy and if you do you know what to do!

It had been a diplomatic mission well done. Pike had created a trade deal with the people living on Rodilion for several rare elements they had in abundance. The Rodilionites were such a friendly people, they invited a team down to study the cave systems on the outskirts of their city. They also invited the crew to a festival that was being held late in their evening. Pike accepted both requests, hoping to keep a friendly relationship with the people. 

Jim walked behind Spock, in front of Bones, as the landing party explored one of the cave systems that Rodilion had in abundance. The walls were crystalline, mainly shades of reds and oranges, almost as if the walls of the cave were made of ruby and amber. The caves were very dark, the only light coming from the flashlights on their communicators. The pathway was scarcely big enough for two people to walk side by side, but the ceiling was a good ten feet tall. 

”This place is something else, isn’t it, Mr. Spock?” Pike mused, scooping a small piece of red crystal off of the cave floor. He tossed it upward and managed to startle a small flock of bat-like creatures with luminescent wings. They let out a series of shrill squeaks as they flew away, casting scattered light over the floors. 

”It is indeed quite fascinating.” Spock agreed. “The abundance of these crystals in such a way is quite rare. They are typically found much further underground in much warmer climates.” 

”And yet these bad boys are thriving.” Pike nodded, knocking on a crystalline stalagmite to his side. 

The group came upon a colony of glowing bugs that seemed to burrow into the crystals and make their hives there. “Wow.” Jim murmured. “How the hell do they break in there?” 

”Extremely powerful acid.” Spock responded simply. “Fascinating.” 

Jim nodded his agreement as the group moved on. Things had been better with Spock over the past few weeks. They had started playing 3-D chess together. Jim beat him every time they sat down. Spock always tried to plan his moves in advance, but he could never figure out what it was that Jim had planned. Jim never planned. He rolled with the punches and it always turned out well for him. They had both been pretty surprised when Jim had won their first game. Spock was even more surprised when Jim won the next two and Jim’s claim of luck began to seem more and more reasonable. Jim had also been getting better at their sparring matches, which were less often than chess, but often went on for longer. Spock found he was often surprised by Jim. It only added to his fascination. 

The cavern widened into the size of a small room. There were two paths branching out in front of them. Pike examined the paths. “Spock, Jim, you two go down the right path, we’ll take the left.” He declared, gesturing towards the left path and starting to walk. 

Spock let out a breath, close to a sigh. It almost seemed like Pike was trying to push them together sometimes. Perhaps he was. Spock and Jim began walking through the path on the right.

”Do you think we’ll find anything weird?” Jim asked after a moment of walking in silence. 

”Weird is a relative term.” Spock responded. 

”So’s fascinating.” Jim responded with a small smirk. 

Spock glanced over at Jim, an amused look on his face. “I suppose so.” After a moment he spoke again. “I find it doubtful that we will find anything particularly fascinating. Although anything is possible.”

Jim nodded, humming to himself. “This place is cool though. It’s really nice the Rodilionites are letting us explore.” 

Spock nodded. “Indeed. They are quite a welcoming people.” 

”Are you looking forward to the festival tonight?” Jim asked. 

”I am uncertain what it is celebrating, though I do appreciate the opportunity to learn more of the culture.” Spock said. 

”Some god of theirs.” Jim said with a shrug. “I think it’s something about love or marriage. I know it’s gonna be a big feast with dancing and stuff.” Jim paused. “Do you dance?” He asked curiously. 

”There are Vulcan forms of dance, though I am not particularly well versed in any of them.” Spock responded simply. 

“I figured you probably don’t do ballroom dancing since it’s a lot of close contact.” Jim offered a smile. “So I guess you won’t be dancing tonight.” 

“It is unlikely.” Spock responded. 

They walked in silence for a moment longer before the cavern opened wider. The area was about the size of their quarters. The walls of the cave were crystalline like the rest of the cave, but there were areas protruding out of the wall, completely smooth. It was like there were mirrors hung up along the walls. 

”Huh.” Jim said, examining the mirror-like crystal. He reached out and his fingers brushed the surface. An image appeared in the crystal. It was Jim when he was still in the academy. He saw himself walking through the campus, but there was something off about it. Spock walked up behind his younger self and Jim looked curiously at the image. He pulled his hand away and the image disappeared. “Hey Spock…touch the crystals. Its showing me…something weird?” 

Spock glanced at Jim, before he lifted his hand to touch the mirror closest to him. Spock saw himself but with a beard. He heard his own voice say something about serving the empire, saw himself using some sort of torture device on an officer. Spock yanked his hand away. “Strange.” He said thoughtfully. “I wonder…” 

He walked to a different mirror, pressing his fingers against the crystal. He saw himself, a bit older than he was. He was in an unfamiliar place. A beanie on his head and Jim by his side. He heard himself call Jim ‘Captain.’ It appeared to be Earth, but many years into the past. There was a young woman standing before Jim and Spock. He asked her something about where they belonged. 

“You belong at his side. As if you always have been, and always shall be.” The words echoed within Spock’s head. He yanked his hand away, stepping away from the mirror. 

”It appears to be scenes from our lives. But…they have not occurred yet.” Spock murmured thoughtfully. 

“This one is something that would’ve been in my past, but it didn’t happen.” Jim frowned. “I was at the academy, but you were there too.” 

”Fascinating.” Spock said. He lifted his hand again to the mirror where he had heard the woman speak. 

He saw himself, even older than before, standing in front of a man, older than he was now, but still undoubtedly recognizable as Jim. They were alone in a darkened room. “I have been, and always shall be, yours.” Spock’s own voice shook him to his core, but not as much as his older self’s actions. He held out two fingers to Jim in a Vulcan kiss. Jim accepted the hand, and brought his other hand to Spock’s face, pressing a gentle kiss against his lips. 

Spock jerked away from the mirror. He felt as though he had intruded on an intimate moment, even if technically it was his own. The tips of his ears burned green. He swallowed, stepping back hesitantly from the mirror. 

”What do you think these are?” Jim asked, his fingers brushing across another mirror and seeing another image of himself, similar but not the same. 

”I am uncertain.” Spock said, his voice shaky. 

”Do you think it might be…like scenes from parallel universes?” He asked, looking at himself, sitting in a Captain’s chair. 

”That is…possible.” Spock nodded. 

Jim walked over to where Spock stood, his fingers brushing over the mirror in front of his friend. He saw himself, once again in the Captain’s chair, Spock behind him. He heard his own voice speaking, “Dig it in there Mr-“ His face flushed in second hand embarrassment as he cussed out his stupid alternate self. It was a yeoman, not Spock. And even if it was Spock, why would that be his word choice? He pulled his hand away from the mirror. 

”We know there are other universes.” Spock said. “But there is no way to prove that these are scenes from them.” He said thoughtfully. 

”I guess so.” Jim agreed, reaching forward again. He saw himself again, older now. He leaned over Spock, who was in a bed in the medbay. Spock reached up and Jim took his hand in both of his. 

He could hear Spock talking. “It could not comprehend…this simple feeling.” His voice was weak. They just sat there for a moment before Jim brought Spock’s hand to his lips. 

Jim pulled away from the mirror. “Wow.” He mumbled, shaking his head. “It’s…weird.” 

”Agreed.” Spock nodded, stepping away. “Shall we go inform Captain Pike of our findings?” 

”Yeah.” Jim nodded. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was super excited about this chapter so I hope you guys enjoy it! If you do let me know! You know I appreciate it and love every comment you guys leave :D.

Light, cheerful music filled the air of the pavilion. Several of the luminescent bugs were captured in glass jars, hung around the center of the town. Two long tables with delicacies and drinks stood on either side of the pavilion.A band playing a series of instruments, similar to ones Jim had seen before, and yet still strikingly alien, stood on a stage in the center of the pavilion. Rodilionites and crew members danced together around the stage. 

The Rodilionites were elegant. The men were mostly petite and thin, many covered their pink skin in vibrantly colored tattoos. It was a symbol of status, the more colors painting their skin, the more they had to offer a potential partner. The women were tall with broad shoulders, their skin was mostly untouched by the vibrant colors of the men, save for a few that were uninterested in holding up gender roles. They were hairless with impossibly wide eyes. The eyes displayed a wide array of colors, and they seldom blinked. The eyes were borderline hypnotizing, and it was almost impossible to look them in the eye. 

”What do you think of this shindig?” Jim asked, approaching Bones, a goblet of a special punch the Rodilionites had prepared in his hand. 

”Unless that’s water, don’t drink it.” McCoy said, frustration in his voice as he examined his tricorder. 

”What? Why not?” Jim asked, putting the glass down quickly. 

”You know what this festival is about, right?” Bones asked, glancing over at Jim. 

”Some sort of tribute to their love god, right?” Jim asked. “Why does that matter?” 

”The punch is a fast acting aphrodisiac.” McCoy responded. “A way to insure they can…worship their god in the way he demands.” He shook his head with a sigh. “Less than a glass should be controllable for a human, but any more than that…” He shook his head. “You wanna help me make sure everybody either knows, or has a plan to remedy the situation?” 

Jim weighed his options, help Bones warn the other members of the crew, or watch them as chaos descended upon the human members of the crowd. Unbidden and unwanted, a thought crossed Jim’s mind. He wondered briefly if Spock would be affected by the drink. He shook his head slightly, trying to dispel the thought. Spock would be fine with all that Vulcan control. “Um…yeah.” Jim nodded. “I’ll help you out.”

* * *

“And even though many of us are no longer fervent followers of Zifarn, we still participate in the festival out of tradition.” A Rodilionite woman explained, holding her hands behind her back. She watched Spock intently as he raised his goblet to his lips, taking another sip. The woman let out a sigh, visibly disappointed. She brought her own cup to her lips, downing the rest of the punch, before she turned on her heel and left. 

Spock wondered briefly what it was he had done to insult her. She was not the only person he had seemingly insulted. He had been in pleasant conversations with several Rodilionites, all of which ended abruptly, with the person seemingly vexed. He glanced down at his newly emptied goblet. The punch was quite refreshing. A cool light pink drink that was almost sickeningly sweet. It was nonalcoholic and it seemed that very few of the crew members were drinking it. And yet the Rodilionites did not seem to be terribly offended by the actions of the crew. It was curious. 

Spock felt a hand come to rest on his shoulder. He turned quickly, nostrils flaring as he met the gaze of the assaulter, his cup slipping from his hand. He did not calm down when he saw it was only Jim. He felt his heart begin to race in his side and a flush crept over his face. “Jim.” He said. His voice sounded lower. It sounded rougher, more hoarse. He felt he did not sound like himself. His mind slipped into an odd haze. 

Jim didn’t seem to notice the change, his eyes focused on the people dancing around them. By this point in the night, couples had begun to peel off into the darker corners of the pavilion or nearby buildings. “How’re you enjoying the party, Spock?” He asked, taking his hand away from Spock’s shoulder. 

Spock let out a breath, finding that he missed the warmth of the hand as soon as it was gone. “Jim.” Spock said again, he began reaching out to him, but clenched his fists and brought them back to his side.

”Hm?” Jim glanced at Spock. “Spock, are you alright?” He asked, worry coloring his face as he turned to his friend. 

The concern in his face was touching. Spock felt a rush of affection he had never experienced before. His face was a shade greener than it usually was as he looked down at Jim. Jim had never looked so gorgeous. The lights reflected in his hazel eyes, his hair doing its signature swirl on his forehead. His brows were furrowed in concern. Spock reached out and grabbed Jim’s arms, his grip tight. “Jim…” He breathed, his hands sliding down to his wrists. “Jim, do you find me appealing?” He asked desperately, as if by answering this question, Jim would be revealing the secrets of the universe. 

Jim was taken aback, looking down at where Spock held his wrists in an iron grip. “Spock, are you alright? You’re acting strange.” He said. 

”Answer the question!” Spock snapped. A look of hurt confusion came onto Jim’s face. Spock loosened his grip on Jim. “I…I’m sorry, Jim. You are right. I am not feeling like…myself. But will you please answer my question.” He practically begged. 

“Alright…” Jim said slowly. “Of course I think you’re appealing, Spock you’re my friend.” He said, hoping he didn’t look as worried as he felt.

”That’s not what I meant Jim.” Spock responded, his voice holding a tinge of frustration.

”What do you want me to say?” Jim huffed, feeling the frustration seep through their contact and returning with some of his own. 

”Do you find me…” Spock released Jim’s wrists briefly, turning one of Jim’s hands so its palm was facing upwards. “Visually appealing?” He said the words softly. He tenderly, almost reverently pressed his middle and forefingers against Jim’s. A static charge ran through both of them. It was an action that he normally would have been embarrassed and overwhelmed by, but now he found he craved more. “Attractive?” He clarified, his voice dipping lower. 

Jim was taken by surprise. He was dizzy and felt like he’d fall at any moment. He looked up into Spock’s dark eyes. Jim had been with quite a few people, he’d seen desire shown in those eyes, but never quite like this. Then he looked down at their fingers. He didn’t know how something so innocent felt so dirty…and so good. He remembered Spock had said something about Vulcan hands being sensitive. This must’ve been what he had been talking about. “Spock…” He said slowly, pulling his hand away from the delightful sensation. “How much of the punch have you had to drink?” He asked quietly. 

“Does that matter?” Spock huffed, scowling at the loss of contact and reaching again for Jim’s hand. 

”It does. It really does.” Jim responded, taking a step backwards and holding his hands behind his back. “It’s a powerful aphrodisiac and its the only reason you’re saying any of this.” He said quickly. 

A frown crossed Spock’s face. He blinked once, then returned his gaze to Jim’s face. “You find me unattractive.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement, made with such miserable certainty. 

”Oh my god, Spock.” Jim groaned, stepping forward to put his hands on Spock’s arms. “That’s not it.” He let out a sigh. “Speaking truthfully, you’re just about the hottest person I’ve ever met. But you don’t mean this. You don’t actually want this.” He said slowly.

Spock tilted his head. “I have been speaking to people all night while drinking the punch. It is only you that elicits this response.” He took Jim’s hands off of his shoulders. “Jim.” Spock breathed. “I find you unbearably attractive. I have never felt so strongly towards another person.” He brought Jim’s hands to his lips, pressing a kiss to each knuckle. 

”Spock.” Jim felt a shiver go down his spine. “Spock, you…you don’t mean this.” He said, pulling his hands away. “Besides…you’re betrothed aren’t you? Isn’t that how Vulcans do things?” 

”She wishes to dissolve it.” Spock said, reaching out once again. “I find I am unopposed.” 

Jim let out a breath, shaking his head. This was a test on his willpower unlike any other. “Let’s get you back to the ship. Or we’ll find Bones and he can-“ 

“No.” Spock frowned. “I do not wish to share your attention with the doctor now.” 

Jim groaned, grabbing Spock by the elbow and pulling him forward. “Come on.” Jim walked, pulling out his communicator. “Two to beam up.”

Spock remained silent as the two materialized on the ship. He remained oddly quiet, as if n thought. He finally spoke up as the doors of the turbolift fell shut. “If you are concerned about my consent, I can assure you I am fully capable of giving it to you.” 

Jim coughed, trying to sputter out a response. “That’s not it.” Jim said quickly. “I mean it’s part of it.” He corrected himself. “I don’t think you can give me your consent like…this. And I don’t think you mean to be doing this.” 

”Perhaps the punch is what inspired it, but I want you and I have for quite some time.” Spock insisted. 

Jim shook his head. “I didn’t think Vulcans felt desire.” He stepped off of the turbolift, pulling Spock by the wrist behind him. 

”Then what would you call this?” Spock asked, pulling Jim to a stop and grabbing his hand. He tried to convey his desire through the contact.

Jim was hit by the wave of emotion, stumbling back and wrenching his hand out of Spock’s. He took in a steadying breath. “Just go to your quarters and sleep this off.”

“I request that you join me.” Spock tilted his head. “Perhaps for a game of chess.” 

“Not tonight, Spock.” Jim shook his head. “I don’t think I have the strength to refuse you again.” He stepped backwards. 

”Then don’t.” Spock took a step towards Jim. 

Jim stepped back again. “You know I can’t, Spock. If I give in and you regret this, you’ll hate me. And I know you’d say Vulcans don’t hate, but you would.” He insisted. “And I can’t have you hating me, Spock.” He backed up further. “I couldn’t live with that.” 

Spock’s arms fell to his side, his hands curling into fists. “I…understand.” He stepped back. “I am sorry Jim.” He turned, and started walking to his quarters. 

Jim watched him walking away. His heart raced in his chest. Jim took a step back, leaning against the wall. He took a steadying breath. Spock had hit on him. And he had said no. But Spock had hit on him. And even if part of it was the punch, he had seemed so sincere. Jim pushed himself off of the wall, starting towards his own quarters. He had said no to save their friendship, but he wasn’t sure how they’d come back from this. Spock would probably just pretend it never happened. That idea settled in his stomach uncomfortably. He hoped Spock wouldn’t just ignore it.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yehaw y’all. I’m back at school and things are happening. Also I’ve had a tinge Of writer’s block :/  
> another reminder that I am doing shit on spocksgotemotions.tumblr.com I’m not saying I’m taking prompts, but I am also not refusing them lmao. It’s mostly memes but I put out updates on fics and stuff like that so yeah  
> Anyways I hope y’all enjoy! If you do please let me know! Comments and shit give me life!

Spock did not meditate that night. He paced his quarters restlessly, thinking over his actions. Now that he was away from Jim he was able to think clearly. Vulcans did not often regret their actions. Regret was a human emotion, after all. But Spock felt a wave of regret wash over him as soon as he allowed himself to think. He had clearly made Jim uncomfortable, although Jim had not seemed to be upset by the advances themselves, simply the state Spock was in. But Vulcans were meant to be able to control themselves. Any desire was meant to be hidden. 

But it was so clear to him. Spock wanted Jim. It was more than just friendship. It was more than just a fleeting attaction. It was something he couldn’t explain, something he was afraid of explaining. Every image he saw in that cave. The different lives he could be leading. All of them had Jim in them. Had Jim by his side. As if he always had been and always would be. 

But Spock could not just offer himself to Jim again. Even though it was clearly what he wanted, even though Jim could want him too. Jim didn’t know what he’d be signing himself up for. He didn’t want to lose Jim’s friendship. Human relationships were so tentative and volatile. Jim clearly believed a romantic tryst would be detrimental to their friendship. He could not risk it. But how was he supposed to deal with it?

* * *

Jim woke up to the sound of his communicator going off. He still had an hour before he had to get up. He groaned, rolling to the side of his bed. “What is it?” He grumbled to the communicator.

”Jim?” Jim fell out of the bed at Spock’s voice. He stumbled to his feet, nervousness filling his chest. “I believe we need to talk. May I come in?” 

”Um…yeah.” Jim said, his mind blanking. “Let me just…put on some clothes.” He glanced down at himself. He rushed over to his desk, grabbing a white t-shirt he had discarded last night and pulling it over his head. He took in a breath, walking over to the door and opening it. 

Spock stood waiting outside the door, already dressed in his uniform despite the fact that they weren’t due on the ship for another hour and a half. He took a moment to collect himself, being shaken by Jim’s state. He was clad only in a t-shirt and boxers. Spock’s resolve was instantly shaken. But he knew what he had to do.

”Morning Spock.” Jim offered an awkward smile to his friend. “Do you wanna come in?” 

Spock hesitated for a moment before he shook his head. “No. I should not.” He looked away from Jim. “I am sorry for waking you.” 

”Oh, uh, yeah.” Jim rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s fine.” 

Spock nodded. There was a moment of silence before he continued. “I wish to apologize for my actions last night. You were correct. I was not…in control of my actions.” 

Jim felt his heart sink. He knew this was what happened. But his heart ached in his chest at Spock’s words. “Right.” He looked away. “You’re fine, Spock. I should’ve told you about the punch earlier than I did.” He paused for a second before he spoke again. “So I guess you’re feeling better. That’s good.” He nodded. 

Spock saw something cross Jim’s face, though he wasn’t sure how to identify it. “Yes.” He responded. “I do believe it’s important for you to know that I am still incredibly attracted to you.” Jim’s eyes widened, his face flushing slightly. “I understand that I acted inappropriately. For our friendship to continue I believe it is important to remain honest.” Spock continued. “I also agree that a relationship between us would not be beneficial. I trust you are in agreement, since this was your stance last night.”

Jim blinked back his surprise. “Um…” 

Spock nodded, as if Jim had affirmed his statement. “Precisely. I shall see you on the bridge.” He turned and started to leave.

”Alright. Bye, I guess.” Jim said, blinking. He turned back into his room, taking a breath. So Spock really did find him attractive. That was a nice surprise. But Spock also believed that a relationship between them wasn’t a good idea. That was less nice. Jim said he wasn’t very committment minded, but that wasn’t very true. A Starship Officer wasn’t able to offer a lot of committment to anything but his ship.

Jim let out a sigh, going back to lie down on his bed. He liked Spock. A lot. And as weird and unlikely as it was, he could see a future with them. He saw a sort of future in the caves. At least an alternate future. One where Spock gripped his hand and talked to him about “a simple feeling.” But feelings were never quite so simple, were they? 

”Computer, time till alarm goes off?” Jim asked. 

”About forty-five minutes.” The computer responded. 

Jim sighed, letting his eyes fall shut. Spock liked him. Or at least found him attractive. But had no desire to start a relationship. Jim could understand. Spock didn’t want to date another crew member. Especially one below him. But Jim couldn’t stop himself from imaging what it would be like if they started a relationship. If Bones hadn’t gotten to Jim in time last night. If Jim said yes to Spock’s advances. If he had accepted those unrelenting hands that came for his own. Jim wondered if Spock would have waited for them to reach one of their quarters, or if he would’ve been too desperate. If he would’ve pressed Jim against the wall, hand pressed against his own, lips finding each other through the haze. 

Jim groaned, pulling himself out of the fantasy and glancing down. Maybe he would’ve been better off if he hadn’t known how Spock felt. He pushed himself out of bed. More sleep was a lost cause. What he needed was a cold shower. 

* * *

Spock acknowledged his feelings. He understood and accepted his desire for Jim. That should have made it easier for him to move on. But when Jim entered the bridge, Spock felt his eyes on his back and his heart ached in his chest. The sight from the morning wormed it’s way back into his mind. Jim in nothing but a loose white t-shirt and boxers that fit him very well. Spock took a breath in through his nose. He needed to find a way to take care of this. More meditation or more exercise in the afternoons. Something. Anything to keep his mind off of what he knew he couldn’t have.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wheeee more stuff. Sorry it’s been a second. School started up again wahoo.  
> Anyways hope you enjoy! And if you do happen to enjoy mayhaps leave a comment for me to enjoy and to inspire me further :D

“Beloved, in your embrace I shall die. For even if we are battles away, your mind is enveloping mine.” Spock read from the book. Uhura worked to copy down the translations for some of the words she hadn’t known before. Spock cleared his throat, continuing. “Oh cherished one, I would defeat armies, lay my life before the gods, before I allow harm to come to you.” Spock couldn’t stop his gaze from flickering over to the door of the rec room as it slid open. Jim walked in, absorbed in a conversation with Sulu. Spock felt his heart clench in his side. 

”Spock?” Uhura offered him a smile. “Do you want to continue, or are we done for the day?” She asked, her gaze pointedly kicking onto Jim before she turned back to Spock. 

”One moment.” Spock said, pushing himself out of his seat. He walked over to where Jim was sitting. “Hello, Jim.”

“Hey Spock.” Jim smiled up at his friend. Things had come back to a sort of normal. Even though he had feelings for the person that had become his best friend. Even though his chest ached every time he saw him or heard that baritone voice. He had gotten feelings for people he wasn’t supposed to before. He had gotten over them. Of course, he hadn’t had to face them everyday for so long. He hadn’t been so close to them.

”Would you like to play a game of chess with me this evening?” Spock offered. It would be the first time they spent together off of the bridge since the incident. 

Jim nodded, a small smile on his face. “Yeah. That’d be nice. Say 1900?” Jim offered. 

Spock nodded, the corner of his mouth tilting upwards. “That is agreeable.” He turned and started his way back to Uhura. “Where were we?” He asked, sliding back into his chair. 

”I actually um…worked on a translation myself. Would you read over it?” Uhura asked, passing her pad of paper over to Spock. 

”Oh.” Spock said, reading over what she had written. 

”Spock, you like him, don’t you? Don’t try to lie to me. I see the way you look at him. And I think he likes you too.” 

Spock let out a sigh. “He is my friend.” He said in a hushed tone. “Anything other than that would not be beneficial.” 

”That’s not answering my question, Mr. Spock.” Uhura responded softly with a raised eyebrow. 

Spock huffed, quickly scribbling a response onto the pad of paper. “My feelings towards Jim are inconsequential. There are many reasons why any further relationship would be detrimental to us both.” 

”But what if it’s not?” Uhura asked. “Spock, you deserve love like the rest of us.” Her eyes glanced over to where Nurse Chapel was beating McCoy and M’Benga in a card game. “But you won’t get it if you don’t try.” 

”I appreciate your concern, Lieutenant. But it is unwarranted.” Spock said, his lips tightening into a frown. “I am perfectly content as things are. Furthermore I believe you should listen to the Earth saying, leave well enough alone.” 

”Alright fine.” Uhura sighed, raising her hands in surrender. “I won’t pry anymore.” 

“Thank you, Uhura.” Spock nodded. “Shall we continue?” 

* * *

Nemulus four was a quiet planet with primitive humanoid life forms. It wasn’t unlike Earth, green grass and leafy forests. The landing party had beamed down several miles from the closest encampment with the hopes of avoiding them and being able to investigate the environment. 

“Jim. Come look at this.” Pike beckoned him over. He was kneeling, seemingly inspecting something on the ground. 

”Yes, Captain. What can I do for you?” Jim asked, squatting down beside him. 

“What do you make of those, Jim?” Pike mused, gesturing to the ground before him. 

“Humanoid footprints.” Jim murmured. He laid his hand beside the track. “It seems to be pretty fresh.” 

”And?” Pike raised an eyebrow. 

Jim glanced at Pike. It was almost like he was training him, grooming him for captaincy. That was probably what he was doing. “They probably hunt or gather around here.” Jim explained with a shrug. He rose to his feet. “It shouldn’t be an issue. But we should be wary. Watch out for any hunting parties.”

”My thoughts exactly, Lieutenant.” Pike stood, clapping Jim on the shoulder. “Be on the lookout, Jim.” 

“Yes, sir.” Jim said. He took a few steps in the direction the foot prints were headed, keeping his eyes on the forest ahead of them. There weren’t any tracks in the other direction, so it was safe to assume this would be where the danger would come from. After several moments of peaceful quiet, Jim allowed his gaze to wander slightly. Of course it went to Spock.

Spock was knelt in front of a tree where there was a cluster of multicolored mushrooms. He was talking animatedly to, or rather at, Sulu and a science officer. Neither seemed to mind Spock’s lecture. If Jim had been in the same situation, he wouldn’t either. He loved when Spock talked science to him. When Spock rambled on about something, jargon that Jim almost remembered tumbling out of those lips, a spark of warmth and excitement in those warm brown eyes. Jim could listen to Spock for hours. He let out a breath, dragging his eyes back to the horizon. 

Spock heard something. He rose to his feet quickly, his head turning to the forest where he heard the soft snap. His eyes searched the forest for the perpetrator of the noise. He couldn’t see anyone. But he knew something, someone was out there. “Captain.” He said in a hushed tone. “I believe we may have been spotted.” 

Pike turned his eyes to the trees, seeing nothing. “Tricorder readings?” He asked. 

”Several humanoid figures, less than two hundred feet away.” Spock responded, looking down at his tricorder. Spock saw a pair of eyes open among the trees. A curved piece of wood was raised slowly. It seemed to be an old fashioned bow. And it seemed to be aimed at…”Jim!” 

The air left his lungs as Jim fell to the ground. “Fuck.” He hissed, feeling bruises beginning to form on his arm and side. 

”Scotty, beam is up! Medical team on standby.” Pike ordered quickly. 

Jim looked up. Spock had knocked him to the ground, but he was still standing. His knees were wobbly. His uniform was too green. Green…paint or dye? Then Jim saw the arrow sticking out of Spock’s shoulder. He couldn’t breath. They dematerialized. 

They arrived back on the ship. “This is gonna hurt a bit, Spock.” McCoy murmured. Jim watched as they pulled the arrow from his chest. They laid him down on a stretcher. McCoy glanced at Jim. “Come by the sickbay when you get the chance. I wanna make sure nothing’s busted.” He said, moving to follow behind the stretcher where Spock was laid out. 

Jim watched until they turned the corridor and he couldn’t see Spock anymore. Spock…Spock had saved his life.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hooray more gay shit! And up so quickly, how wonderful. Hope you enjoy this and if you do, please please let me know, your comments are what inspire me to continue and I love all of them :D

“Alright, Jim boy.” McCoy said, inspecting the tricorder that had taken readings of Jim. “Got a couple of bruises, and you need to take it easy with that wrist. You fell on it a bit funny.” 

Jim nodded, looking at his hand. “Thanks Doc.” He slid off of the bed. “How’s Spock?” He asked. 

”I’m surprised it took you so long to ask.” Bones chuckled. “I expected you down here before you finished the shift.” 

”Duty first, Bones.” Jim offered a smile. “Besides, it’s only right I visit. He did the same for me when I saved his life. And I need to ask him why he saved mine.” 

”He can’t talk right now.” McCoy said with a shrug. 

”What do you mean?” 

”He’s in a Vulcan healing coma thing.” Bones shrugged again. 

”What?” Jim demanded. “A coma? Is he alright?” 

”Jim, he’s fine.” Bones assured him, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Vulcans are weird. When there’s damage, they go into a trance. Focus all of their mind’s energy onto fixing their injuries. He can’t really talk or anything. But you can still go see him if you’d like.” 

Jim nodded. “Yeah. That’d be nice I think.” They walked over to the bed where Spock was. He looked so unnatural. So still and frozen. The only sign of life was the gentle rise and fall of his chest. “When do you think he’ll come out of it?” Jim tore his eyes away from Spock’s lifeless face. 

“Damage isn’t too bad. M’Benga said it shouldn’t be more than a day.” McCoy responded. Jim moved over and sat by Spock’s bed. Bones nodded. “Right. I’ll be back in a second to kick you out.” He said, turning to go attend to another patient. 

Jim looked over at Spock. He let out a soft laugh, shaking his head. “It’s not fair. You get to conk out. I had to be awake to get interrogated.” He smiled, lowering his head onto his hands. “So. Why’d you do it, Spock? Where’s the logic in risking your life for mine?” He shook his head, leaning back. “I don’t get you Spock. Like…I really don’t understand you.” He looked at Spock’s hand, bunched into a fist at his side. “I kinda wanna hold your hand.” Jim said softly. “It feels like that’s what I should be doing, but I know Vulcans don’t really do that.”

After another moment of silence, Jim spoke up again. “I really like you, Spock. Like…so much. And I would…I would love to be with you. Romantically. If you were in your right mind when you propositioned me…I’d still be here of course, but I’d be holding your hand.” He smiled slightly. “I haven’t told anyone, by the way. I wouldn’t do that to you. I mean, Bones wouldn’t say anything, but I wouldn’t do that to you.”

Jim let out a long, exasperated sigh. “I understand why you don’t think it’s a good idea. Us, I mean.” He clarified. He looked down at his hands. “Normally I wouldn’t bother to argue my case. But you’re in a coma and you can’t stop me.” The corner of his mouth tilted up. “I really like you. So much.” Jim said softly. “Every time I see you, my heart hurts. And I know that sounds stupid.” He admitted. “It just feels like we should be together, you know?” Jim reached out, his fingers brushing over the back of Spock’s hand. “I can see a future with you.” He bit his lip, looking down. “You’re…one of the only people I could do that with. Especially before actually going out on a date. Think about it.” Jim smiled at the unresponsive Spock.

”Jim, you just about finished?” Bones asked, coming around the Spock’s bed. Jim practically jumped away from the bed, pulling his hand back to his side. 

”Yeah.” Jim nodded. “Um…let me know if he comes out of the trance early.” 

”Not likely.” Bones shook his head. “You gotta slap ‘em out of it. I’m looking forward to it.” 

”Don’t enjoy yourself too much.” 

”Don’t worry, Jim. There won’t be a mark on his pretty little face.” McCoy teased, clapping him on the back. 

”Thanks.” Jim said dryly. “I’ll see you later, Bones.” 

* * *

Spock could not allow him to think of Jim’s words. He could not allow himself to think of the lingering touch he felt on his hand. He could not afford to divert his attention from his trance. He had no desire to think more on Jim’s words.

“Hit me.” He said, a day later. McCoy was happy to comply, striking him, until Spock reached up to grab his hand. “Thank you Doctor. My ‘pretty little face’ cannot handle much more.” Spock said dryly. 

”Oh. So you heard that.” McCoy said. 

”Yes.” Spock said, pushing himself off of the bed. “I must go meditate.” 

”Meditate? You were just in a coma for a damn day and you gotta go meditate?” Bones demanded. 

“My body is healthy. My mind is troubled.” Spock responded. 

”Do you wanna talk about it?” McCoy asked. “I’ve heard it’s just as good, if not better for a troubled mind.”

Spock considered it for a moment, before he shook his head. “The issue is of a rather…personal nature. I must work through it on my own.” 

”Suit yourself.” Bones shrugged. “If you change your mind, you know where to find me.” 

* * *

Spock took in a deep breath, letting his eyes fall shut as he began recalling Jim’s words. There was a buzz, signifying someone at his door. Spock opened his eyes in a huff. The only person that came to his quarters was the Captain, and Spock was not in the place for a visit from Pike. 

”Hey Spock?” Jim’s voice called through the communicator. “Are you up for a game of chess?” 

Spock jumped from his seat. His heart raced in his side. Of course it was the cause of his troubles that came to him. Spock walked slowly to the door. He opened the door, looking at Jim. 

Jim smiled up at Spock, holding a basic chess set in his arms. “Bones told me you got out a bit earlier, so I thought I’d stop by and check on you. And if you need some company I brought a chess set.” 

”Jim…” Spock shook his head, looking down. What could he say? “I truly appreciate the gesture.” He began, looking uncertainly at Jim. “But I do not believe it is the best idea.” He said slowly. 

”Oh. Alright.” Jim nodded, forcing a sad smile onto his face. “Um…I’ll see you on the bridge tomorrow then.” He offered. 

”Jim.” Spock sighed as Jim turned away. “I…heard your words.” He said softly. 

”Oh.” Jim’s eyes widened and he cringed. “I…I didn’t think you could hear me.” He said slowly. 

”I am aware.” Spock responded. 

”I’m so sorry Spock. If I had-“ 

”Do not apologize.” Spock raised a hand to quiet Jim. “Jim, you have done nothing wrong.” He assured him. “I require meditation. That is all.” 

”Alright.” Jim avoided Spock’s gaze. 

”And Jim…there is not quite a logical excuse for why I saved you.” Spock said slowly. “You are my friend. When I saw you were in danger, I moved without thinking. And I would do it again.” 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guysssss. So I got a little update here, and if you haven’t seen I recently put up two one shots with the boys, one valentines one mirror verse. So check those out maybe?  
> Also I have some free time on my hands for the next few days so if you wanna chat or send me prompts or anything hmu on tumblr @spocksgotemotions  
> Enjoy! If you do let me know!

It had been several days since Jim had heard anything from Spock. They hadn’t spoken at all, except for the occasional necessary checks on the bridge. Jim’s chest ached. He wanted to talk to Spock, even though he knew he needed to give him space. Jim just felt so alone. Even though he was surrounded by people, he always was on the Enterprise. But when none of them were Spock, what was the point? Jim missed him. And he knew he wasn’t exactly subtle about it either.

”Jim, you look miserable.” Uhura noticed, coming to stand by his side in the rec room. “Can you lighten up? Or maybe go back to your quarters?” 

“I don’t feel like being alone.” Jim grumbled. 

”Yes, but you also don’t seem like you want to be around anybody else.” Uhura noted with pursed lips. 

”Exactly! Thanks for understanding Uhura.” Jim responded, leaning back in his chair. 

”What’s the issue?” She asked, sliding into the chair beside him.

”It’s this…friend.” Jim looked down at his hands. “And I really really like him. And he likes me too. I accidentally confessed to him, and he told me he needed to think about it. He hasn’t said anything since and it’s driving me crazy.” Jim put his head in his hands, letting out a groan. 

”You’re heartbroken?” Uhura asked in disbelief. 

”Don’t believe everything you hear in the rumor mill. I do have a heart after all.” Jim grumbled. He let out a breath. “If he rejected me flat out I’d be okay, it’s the waiting and the fact that…I miss him.” He looked down. 

”You miss him?” Uhura raised an eyebrow. 

“He’s my friend. I like talking to him and spending time with him. And I miss it.” Jim let out a soft sigh. 

”I see.” Uhura mused thoughtfully. 

* * *

”Doctor McCoy?” Spock said, walking hesitantly into the medbay. 

”In here, Spock.” McCoy called from his office just off of the medbay. “Is something wrong?” He asked, not looking up from the paperwork he was doing. 

”Not precisely.” Spock responded, hesitating by the door. “You said if my mind was still troubled I could turn to you to ‘talk it out.’” 

Bones looked up from his paperwork with wide eyes. “Oh yeah. Course.” He nodded. “You wanna start now?” He gestured to the seat across from his desk. 

”If that is agreeable with your schedule.” Spock responded stepping into the office and letting the door slide shut behind him. 

”Yeah, yeah.” Bones nodded quickly. Vulcans didn’t like talking about their emotions. Spock could change his mind and run scared any minute, and McCoy wasn’t going to give up this chance. “Go ahead, start when ever you want.” 

Spock nodded, sitting in the chair across from a McCoy. His spine was even straighter than usual, and he felt nervous. He did not want to do this. But his mind had been tormented for close to a week with no answer in sight. He needed someone else to help him organize the facts. “Over the past year I have grown increasingly fond of Jim.” 

”I’ve noticed. Y’all are near inseparable sometimes.” McCoy smiled. “I’m glad Jimmy’s making friends with different kinds of people.” 

Spock’s lips drew into a taut frown. “Doctor, that is not what I mean.” 

”Come to think of it, you two haven’t been hanging out a lot lately. Are you in a spat?” McCoy continued, not catching the frustration hidden in the corners of Spock’s mouth. “Little lover’s quarrel?” He teased. 

”Doctor, I experience feelings towards Jim that are unusual.” Spock tried to explain. 

”Aren’t all feelings ‘unnatural’ to you Vulcans?” Bones asked, leaning back in his chair, his hands steepled under his chin like he had seen Spock do before. 

”The feelings are romantic in nature.” Spock’s voice was close to a hiss, he had leaned forward over the desk, one hand gripping the edge of the desk, the other holding onto the arm of the chair. 

McCoy stared at Spock in awe for a moment before a smile broke out across his face, a laugh bubbling through his chest. “Shit! I knew Vulcans had to have a sense of humor. Okay where’s Jimmy with the camera?” He looked around the office, waiting for Jim to jump out and explain the prank. 

”This is not a joke, Bones!” Spock exclaimed in frustration. He rose to his feet. “If you refuse to take my confession seriously then I will take my leave.” 

”You’re serious?” Bones asked, eyes wide, the laughter he had been so caught up in dying in his chest. He came to his feet, following after Spock. “You…have feelings for Jim? When did this all happen?” 

“It has been building up since our first days on the Enterprise.” Spock responded, turning back towards the Doctor, but keeping his eyes low. 

”Holy shit.” McCoy said, leaning against his desk. “Well, this is great news! Jim likes you too. I’ve never seen him so torn up over anybody before.” 

”I am aware of Jim’s feelings.” 

”Then go tell him about yours!” 

”He is aware of mine.” Spock responded slowly. 

”Then why aren’t you two gettin’ busy somewhere?” McCoy asked. 

”I find myself…apprehensive.” Spock responded, moving back to sit down again. “I do not believe beginning a relationship with Jim would be a logical idea.” 

“Okay, you’re nervous. That makes sense. I’m guessing this would be your first real relationship?” When Spock nodded, Bones continued. “Jim is pretty experienced when it comes to relationships, so I understand that that could be pretty intimidating, but Jim is still an idiot.” McCoy offered. 

”Jim is incredibly intelligent.” Spock argued. 

”And incredibly dense.” Bones responded. “He invited you along on his search for a hookup to get over you.” Spock didn’t speak for a long moment. “Okay, what are you other concerns?” 

”We are working together in close quarters.” Spock responded. “What if Jim decides he does not wish to pursue this? I am not sure I would be able to stand seeing him so often and knowing he could never care for me.” 

”Spock, he does care for you.” Bones assured him. “Even if he decides he only wants to be friends, which I doubt. He cares about you so much.” Spock let out a breath. “Okay, next one, come on.” 

”Vulcans are quite…” Spock searched for the word. “Possessive when it comes to mates. The emotional bond is also quite permanent. I fear that I may push the relationship further than Jim would like and the toll will be painful for me should Jim leave me after a certain point.” 

”That’s a risk with all relationships.” Bones responded simply. 

”I worry Jim has not thought this through entirely.” Spock explained. 

“Probably not.” McCoy shrugged, pushing himself off of the desk and walking back to his chair. “But you have to remember, if Jim thought everything through entirely, you’d probably be dead.” Spock blinked in surprise, he hadn’t thought of that. “A little bit of impulsiveness isn’t a bad thing, Spock.” He said. “You’ve got some valid concerns, and I understand your hesitation. I can’t tell you to go make out with Jim or tell him you hate him, but I can say you need to talk to him. And think about what we’ve talked about.” 

Spock nodded, rising from his seat once again and heading towards the door. He paused. “Thank you very much, Doctor.” 

”Of course.” Bones nodded. “I hope you figure things out.” 

”I hope so as well.” Spock said softly, leaving the office. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;))))))  
> Anyways, hope you enjoy, if you do let me know with a comment or a kudos, they absolutely make my day. And if you’re interested, you should check out some of the other Star Trek fics I’ve done. I recently started a Space Pirate au which is gonna be super fun! K thnx byeeee

Spock took in a deep breath. It had been a week since he had spoken to Jim outside of their duties, and just the sight of him was enough to set his heart into motion. He walked into the mess hall after their shift at the precise time he knew Jim would be there. “Jim.” Spock greeted, hoping the nerves he felt weren’t as obvious as he feared they were.

Jim offered him a hesitant smile, only a fraction of the brilliance that was normally in the expression. The idea that Spock was the cause of this made his chest ache in his side. “Hey Spock.” Jim didn’t quite meet his gaze. 

Spock knew what he had to do, what he wanted to do, but that didn’t stop a small part of his mind from telling him this was a mistake. ”Jim, may I speak to you for a moment, in private?” Spock asked, a small tremble in his usually calm baritone.

”I dunno, Spock.” Jim averted his gaze. Jim wanted to spend time with Spock again. But he knew a rejection was coming, and that rejection would hurt so much more now than it would later. “Maybe another-“ 

”Just go, Jim.” Bones interrupted him, urging him on. “I’ll watch your food for you if that’s what you’re worried about.” He said with a pointed look. 

Jim let out a sigh, his gaze flickering over to his friend in frustration before he looked back at Spock. “Alright, yeah, fine.” He rose to his feet.

Spock led him out of the mess hall, leading him into a small storage room across the corridor. There were boxes scattered around the small room, with a computer mounted to the wall. “Very private.” Jim mumbled, perching himself up on a stack of boxes. “So what’s up?” He asked with a sigh.

”First, I would like to apologize.” Spock said slowly, his posture perfect, his hands clenched together behind his back. 

Jim blinked, looking up at Spock. “Yeah?” Jim hadn’t expected that at all. Spock was always finding ways to surprise him. 

”I should have spoken to you sooner.” Spock responded. “I was…so occupied with my own thoughts, I did not consider your feelings.” He looked down. “And…I am sorry I have been avoiding you. Truly.” He seemed like he was reaching out, like he was going to grab Jim’s hands. Then he dropped his hands to his sides.

Jim offered him a small smile. “I…thanks, Spock.” He looked down, the warmth of his smile lit up the room and made the storage room warmer. “This might sound a little stupid, but I’ve really missed you.” He let out a breath. “I don’t even care anymore if you don’t feel the same way. I need you in my life, Spock. Whatever that means.”

Spock stared at Jim for a long moment. “I do not think that is stupid at all.” He murmured, his hands reaching out once again. He tentatively placed his hands on Jim’s shoulders. “Jim, I have been…debating what to do for so long. This issue has consumed my mind for this past week.” His heart began to race in his side. His breathing grew heavier as his fingertips ghosted down Jim’s arms, hesitating at his wrists.

Jim’s tongue darted out to lick his lips, his eyes flickering up to meet Spock’s heavy gaze. The atmosphere in the room had changed and Jim felt a dangerous spark of hope in his chest. He felt if Spock wasn’t careful that spark could easily ignite into a flame and take both of them down with it. “And?” It took Jim a moment to find his voice, and it was not as strong as it usually was, but he couldn’t find it in him to care. 

”And…” Spock’s voice shook as he allowed his fingertips to brush against the back of Jim’s hands. Jim took in a sharp breath as the contact coursed through his arms. That strange sensation from an act so innocent, but felt so dirty. 

”Spit it out, Spock.” Jim said, trying to keep his voice hard. But Spock was a touch telepath. And even if he wasn’t, he would have known. 

”I want to be with you.” Spock responded. “Whatever that means, whatever it takes.” Spock knew he couldn’t deny it, couldn’t deny him. He had to be with Jim however he could. Even if it meant he ended up heartbroken in the end. It didn’t matter. 

Jim pulled his hands away from Spock’s, throwing them around his shoulders and pulling him down into a rough kiss. Jim and Spock had both been waiting for this for months and it showed. Desperate lips pressing against one another in a bruising kiss, Spock’s hands immediately going to Jim’s waist and pulling him flush against him. Jim helped the endeavor by wrapping his legs around Spock’s waist. He nipped at Spock’s lower lip, slipping his tongue into Spock’s mouth, desperately exploring while his hands came up to card through the silky hair. Spock’s hands slipped under Jim’s shirt, beginning to explore the warm flesh. All the while, wave after wave of desire and affection surged between their minds.

Spock pulled away, seemingly abruptly. “Jim.” He breathed, removing his hands from the tempting skin hidden from his sight by a golden command shirt. 

”Spock.” Jim’s smile was even more brilliant up close, and Spock was so sorely tempted by that beautiful smile. Especially since now he had gotten a taste of what was behind it. 

”We…we should stop.” The words were almost painful for Spock to say, and Jim’s disappointed and hurt expression only added to the torture. 

”Oh.” Jim let go of Spock. “Alright. Um…take it slow.” He nodded, hopping down from the stack of boxes he had been sitting on and starting for the door. 

”No, god no.” Spock said quickly, reaching out and grabbing Jim’s hand. A pleasant buzz sparked between them. “I just mean…your friends are expecting you. And this is a rather public place.” Spock said, glancing around at the storage room. 

Jim nodded again, a small smile taking over his face. “Can I see you tonight?” He asked softly. 

”My quarters in about two hours?” Spock offered, bringing Jim’s hand up to his lips. 

“Yeah. I’ll uh…bring the chess board.” He suggested. “Make it a bit less suspicious.” 

”Alright.” Spock nodded. “And we will need to discuss…things.” How could Spock begin to explain all they needed to discuss? Did he even want to? Or should he just bear the burdens of a Vulcan relationship alone? 

”I’ll see you tonight then.” Jim grinned, quickly leaning up and pressing a chaste kiss to Spock’s cheek. “Wait a bit till you leave the room.” He advised before he left. 

Spock took in a deep breath, moving to lean against the wall. Even his wildest fantasies hadn’t quite prepared him for that. The ecstasy of acceptance, the feeling of Jim’s mind so close, just out of reach of his own. Legs wrapped around his waist, the warm skin beneath his fingertips. Soft lips against his own. Spock raised his hand, his fingertips brushing against his lips. He had never been kissed before. And if every time he kissed Jim was like that, Spock knew he was doomed.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another fun one. Brief warning for a bit of dirty stuff? Nothing explicit but like it is there. I’m actually pretty proud of it and hope y’all enjoy it.  
> And if you do, you know what to do, comments, kudos, etc. (validate me pls)

Spock paced the floors of his quarters, his mind whirring as he tried to categorize his thoughts. What would he tell Jim? What information was really required? Would Jim even care? Would Spock’s mention of bonding scare Jim off? Was it only a matter of time before Spock scared Jim off? Spock pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a breath. He fought the desire to message his mother. Perhaps she would have an interesting insight, but he didn’t have the time. Jim should arrive at any minute. 

At the moment the thought crossed his mind, there was a buzz at his door. “Yes?” Spock answered, rushing to the comm. 

“Hey Spock, it’s me.” Jim’s voice was light hearted and excited. It made Spock’s heart ache. How did it seem to be so easy for him? 

”Come in.” Spock responded, opening the door. 

”Hey.” Jim grinned. He walked into the room, holding the chess board like he said he would be. He walked over to a table, putting the board down. “So…” He turned to Spock with a coy smile. “We starting where we left off?” He asked, walking close to Spock, draping his arms around Spock’s shoulders. 

Spock’s eyes widened slightly in panic. “No.” He responded quickly. He took Jim’s wrists and removed them from his shoulders. “Jim…I believe it is necessary for us to discuss the…parameters of our relationship.” 

”Oh.” Jim responded. “Alright.” He nodded. “Can I uh…sit down?” He asked, glancing over at Spock’s bed. 

”Yes, of course.” Spock nodded, letting go of Jim’s hands. 

Jim moved to sit on Spock’s bed. “Alright.” He looked up at Spock. “What do we need to talk about?” 

”Jim, Vulcans do not often…have flings. We are very possessive and attached to our mates.” Spock began to explain. “When we find a suitable mate, we seek out a long term relationship. We meld our minds together in a bond that is nigh unbreakable. Should a bond be broken, it is detrimental to both parties.” He paused in his pacing, turning to look at Jim. 

“And does that need to happen before we uh…” Jim asked. 

”Oh, no.” Spock shook his head. “I would not initiate the meld or the bond without your express permission. I simply wished to inform you of the end result of a relationship with a Vulcan.” 

”Alright, well, that all sounds pretty good to me.” Jim admitted, standing and taking a step closer to Spock. “Possessiveness is pretty hot as long as it’s not completely unreasonable. And I feel like…I could have a long term relationship with you.” Jim brought his hand to Spock’s, pressing his fingers against Spock’s. “I at least wanna try. Anything else?” He raised an eyebrow, as he felt the sparks build between their hands. 

”There is…one more thing.” Spock said, allowing himself to remain in the kiss, his breath becoming a bit heavier. “Pon Farr.” 

”Pon Farr?” Jim blinked. “Um…that’s the Vulcan…heat, right?” 

”In a way.” Spock responded, his eyes focused on the gentle movement of their fingers pressed together. “My physiology is…unpredictable.” He began to explain. “I have not yet experienced my first Pon Farr and I do not know when or if I will ever go into it. But if I do, I will be drawn to you, Jim. Even if we are not bonded and just together. My blood will burn and I will crave your touch more than anything else.” 

”That sounds really hot.” Jim admitted, shifting slightly to stand closer to Spock. 

Spock brought a hand to Jim’s waist. “It lasts for three days, Jim. I will claim you, repeatedly. There will be little to no rest during the period.” He pressed their bodies flush to one another, his gaze flickering to Jim’s lips. “Before we begin, I must know. Do you believe you could handle it?” 

Jim took in a steadying breath as he felt Spock press against him. “Nothing but sex for three days, and it’s technically medical leave?” He let out a breathy laugh. “Sign me up.” Jim leaned upward, pressing his lips against Spock’s. 

“One final thing.” Spock pulled away quickly, before he lost himself behind Jim’s smile. “As you know, Vulcan strength is much greater than that of a human. Aroused it is even more so. You must tell me if I am hurting you.” Spock removed his hand from the Vulcan kiss. He brushed his fingers over Jim’s cheek. “You are precious to me.” There was fire behind Spock’s eyes. Intense and smoldering. Jim could easily burn up in that gaze, in that fire. He was about to. He was ready to. 

Jim roughly grabbed the hand that had been brushing his face so tenderly, his other hand went to the back of Spock’s neck. Jim pulled him down into a bruising kiss, filled with the pent up desire from almost a year of wanting and waiting. At this point he didn’t care if Spock ripped him to shreds or meticulously put him back together. If this was his ruin, so be it. He’d relish in the ruination. He held Spock’s hand in his like a death grip, where the other hand grasped the nape of his neck like a lifeline. 

Spock allowed himself to enjoy the frenzied kiss. He let go and just felt for once. He felt a tongue shove itself between his lips. He felt hands grasping him as if he were the only solid thing in the universe. He felt wave after wave of want, longing, desire, and affection, to the point where Spock was unsure where his emotions began and Jim’s ended. Spock needed more. He needed everything Jim would give him. 

He pulled his hand out of Jim’s and Jim mourned the loss for a moment before he realized the task the hand set to. He allowed himself to be stripped of his shirt, beginning to pull Spock’s shirt over his head as well. Jim pressed their lips back together needily as hands went to work on their zippers. Jim was backed into the bed, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care when Spock was on top of him, nothing separating them but boxers. Those dark brown eyes gazing at him with a desire Jim had never seen in any partner. Being wanted the way he was, it was incredible. 

Spock couldn’t bring himself to close his eyes for a second. Not when the most beautiful being in all of the universe was laid bare beneath him. Not when he felt desire radiating through their every touch. Not when Jim’s breath was ragged, and his hair was mussed, and his cheeks were flushed. 

In mere moments there was nothing but bliss born from their clumsy, frenzied movements. Spock knew in that brilliant glow, that Jim was his salvation and his damnation all in one. He was the beginning of the end, because Spock knew now that there would be no life for him after Jim. 

Jim rolled back over, ready to make a quip about how normally he lasted much longer than that. He was struck with how Spock looked. His eyes closed, his breathing ragged, his hand splayed against his chest. Jim’s heart skipped a beat. This felt so right. Nothing ever felt right for Jim. Nothing ever fell into place like this. It’s very rightness made him feel like it must’ve been wrong. 

But if the universe had sent a savior to the wrong Jim Kirk, Jim wasn’t going to try and correct them. He scooted closer to Spock, resting his head on his shoulder, his hand coming through to card through the thick hair on Spock’s chest. “We should clean up soon.” He murmured, burying his face in the crook of his neck. 

”I find myself…unwilling to move.” Spock responded, an arm coming to encircle around Jim. 

Jim let out a soft laugh. “Me too. But we do have to sooner or later.” 

”A few more moments.” Spock said softly. 

”Alright.” Jim conceded. 

“You may stay if you so desire.” Spock said, sitting back on the bed after the pair had finally cleaned up. 

”That sounds really nice.” Jim smiled. “And I would love to.” 

”But?” Spock supplied, hearing it in his tone of voice. 

”But it would be pretty suspicious if I left your room early tomorrow morning. At least now there probably won’t be many people around.” Jim explained, pulling on his discarded articles of clothing. 

”Distressingly logical.” Spock let out a breath, close to a wistful sigh. 

Jim laughed softly. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He leaned down to kiss Spock quickly. “Maybe we can spar after our shift.” 

Spock trailed after Jim’s lips. “Yes, perhaps.” 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had a bit of a rough time with this chapter, but it’s up, it’s out here and it’s p good I think. I don’t think this fic is gonna end up being too terribly much longer? I’m thinking the most will be like five more chapters, but I’m not positive.  
> Anyways, enjoy! Let me know if you do!

Bones looked suspiciously at Jim. “What’s your deal?” He asked with narrowed eyes. 

”Hm?” Jim hummed, glancing up from the PADD he was reading. 

”You’re in a weirdly good mood.” Bones said, examining Jim. “I don’t trust it.” 

”What? I can’t be in a good mood?” Jim responded with a smile. “I deserve to be in a good mood.” He stuck out his tongue. 

“You got laid, didn't you?” Bones accused. “Wait!” His eyes widened. “That son of a bitch.” He shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I told him to talk to you, not fuck you.” 

”Hey!” Jim exclaimed. “We did talk!” 

”So you’re saying that you haven’t fucked him yet?” Bones raised an eyebrow. 

”I did not say that.” Jim corrected. “Just that we talked before. And some after.” He added. 

”So you understand what you’ve gotten yourself into?” McCoy asked. 

”Yeah. Spock told me all about bonding, he said we could worry about it more later. He told me about Pon Farr. We’re keeping it all lowkey right now.” Jim shrugged. 

McCoy shook his head, laughing slightly. “I can’t believe you Jim. Galactic playboy manages to seduce a member the most non sex obsessed race ever.” 

”Hey!” Jim exclaimed, mocking offense. “I’ll have you know he was pretty obsessed with sex last night.” He smirked, wiggling his eyebrows. “And maybe later tonight too.” He winked. 

”I don’t want details.” Bones rolled his eyes. 

”Oh you want all the explicit details?” Jim responded. “Well Vulcans make out with their hands, which is actually super hot.” 

”I can’t even tell if you’re joking or not.” McCoy said. “Even if you aren’t joking, I’m going to pretend you are.” 

* * *

“Mr. Spock.” Pike said, approaching Spock at his station. 

”Yes, sir?” Spock responded, turning around, his hands behind his back. 

”You’ve seemed different today. Are you feeling alright?” Pike asked, a look of concern touching his features. 

”I am quite well, Captain.” Spock responded, his gaze subconsciously flickering over to where Jim sat. “I have found a new form of meditation recently and I believe over time I will see an increase in my efficiency of at least three percent.” 

”Well, good.” Pike nodded. “I’m glad you’re doing so well, Spock.” 

”Thank you, Captain.” Spock nodded, meeting Jim’s gaze as Pike turned back to his seat. Jim winked and Spock felt the tips of his ears go green. He turned back to his station. He needed to focus on his work for another hour. But he could feel Jim’s gaze on his back, tempting him, calling him. Spock kept his focus.

* * *

”Spock.” Jim jogged to catch up with his friend. “Do you still wanna spar this evening?” 

“Do you mean that literally?” Spock inquired after a quick glance around them to ensure there were no eavesdropping officers. 

”No.” Jim laughed softly. “I’d rather you not beat my ass like that.” 

”Perhaps a game of chess would be more suitable.” Spock suggested. “Shall we meet in my quarters in…half an hour?” He asked with a raised eyebrow. 

”I’ll see you there, Spock.” Jim nodded. 

* * *

Spock opened the door to his quarters for Jim. As soon as the door closed behind him, Jim’s lips were hot on his, his arms slipping around Spock’s waist. Spock was stunned by the sudden affection. 

”Hello, Jim.” Spock said with wide eyes, as he pulled away slightly. 

”Hey Spock.” Jim grinned up at him. “You ready for round two?” 

“Jim.” Spock took Jim’s hands from his waist, holding them in front of him. “I was hoping we might have something closer to a…date.” Spock gestured to a table where he had set up a chessboard. 

Jim let out a soft laugh. “Of course you’d wanna play chess on a date.” He shook his head slightly with amusement. 

”Do you find the idea distasteful?” Spock asked softly, apprehension shown on his face. 

”No, no.” Jim said quickly. He cupped Spock’s face, leaning up and kissing him softly. “It’s very you. It’s cute.” He said. “Let’s play.” 

The corners of Spock’s mouth tilted upward in a smile. “Alright.” They walked to the table. “I apologize that I had not been more clear in my intentions.” He said as the pair sat down.

”Not at all.” Jim smiled. “I should’ve realized. Vulcans aren’t as…” He waved his hand as he searched for the right word. “You know.” Jim made his first move. 

”I’m not so sure I do, Jim.” Spock responded with a raised eyebrow. He moved his own piece. 

“You aren’t as…sex obsessed, libidinous, horny as humans.” Jim said, waving his pawn around before he placed it back on the board. 

”And who was it that told you that?” Spock hummed, leaning forward.

Jim blinked. “You mean…it’s uh not true?” He asked as he took his move. 

“Perhaps we are not quite as obvious as humans.” Spock responded, moving his bishop. “But there are always desires.” 

”Huh.” Jim mused, looking at the board. “So uh…what else do I not know about Vulcans?” He asked.

”Many things I assume.” Spock responded with a small smirk. 

”C’mon. You said you wanted an actual date, talk to me about stuff. Jim smiled. 

Spock looked thoughtful for a moment. He moved a chess piece. “You are aware my mother is human, correct?” He asked. Jim responded with a nod. “Well…when I first realized my attraction to you, I discussed the matter with my mother.” 

”Really?” Jim asked curiously. 

”I was unsure whether or not Vulcans felt physical attraction.” Spock said with a shrug. “It is not a subject commonly discussed. And I had never experienced anything like my attraction to you.”

”Wait, Spock, I’m the first person you’ve ever been attracted to?” 

”First and only.” Spock responded as if this meant nothing. “Of course Vulcans only experience physical attraction when there is a strong compatibility between minds.” 

”Wow that’s…wow.” Jim shook his head. He cleared his throat, looking down. He didn’t really know how to respond to that. “I can’t say you’re the only person I’ve ever been attracted to.”

”I do not expect you to.” Spock shrugged, moving his bishop. 

“I mean…I’m definitely more attracted to you than I have been to anyone else.” Jim shrugged. He let out a soft laugh. “I mean last night’s proof of that.”

Spock raised an eyebrow, taking one of Jim’s pawns. “You intend to improve tonight?” 

”There’s always room for improvement.” Jim winked, moving another piece. 

They played in companionable silence for a moment before Spock spoke up again. “Jim, what is your goal for Starfleet?” 

”Command, of course.” Jim shrugged. “I’m gonna be a captain. It’s the only plan I’ve ever had.” 

”Really?” Spock asked with a tilt of his head. 

”I don’t think I’d be capable of doing anything else.” Jim responded seriously. “I mean there are other things that I’m not bad at, but…Starfleet’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted.” 

“You are in possession of quite the one track mind, Jim.” Spock commented softly. 

”Yeah.” Jim shrugged. “What about you? What made you turn down the VSA?” 

”I never truly felt like I belonged on Vulcan.” Spock admitted. “It is my home, but I was not always welcome there. Not quite Vulcan enough for them. Yet I learned quickly, not quite human enough for Earth. Though humans were often less vocal.” 

”Do you feel at home on the Enterprise? Or are you still searching?” Jim asked, holding a chess piece tight in his hand. 

”I feel more at home here than anywhere else.” Spock responded. 

”I’m glad.” Jim offered a smile, placing his hand over Spock’s and squeezing it lightly. “Checkmate.” He put his piece down, capturing Spock’s king. 

Spock smiled slightly. “Impressive.” He brought Jim’s hand to his lips. 

Jim stood from his chair, walking over to Spock’s side of the table. “So?” Spock pulled Jim lightly, until he was on his lap. He leaned up and kissed Jim softly. Jim smiled, hand coming up to stroke his cheek. 

”Mr. Spock?” Pike’s voice came through the communicator in the room. 

Spock pulled away, letting out a soft sigh. “Yes, Captain?” 

“I’m not interrupting your meditation or anything, am I?” Pike asked. 

Spock rested his head against Jim’s shoulder. “No sir. I have not yet begun meditation.” 

”I just remembered, tomorrow I’m gonna be starting evaluations for the crew, so I’ll probably get you to help me some with those.” Pike explained. 

”Alright.” Spock said. “Is that all Captain?” 

”Yup. Enjoy your meditation.” 

Spock ended the call, turning back to Jim. “Where were we?”


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had more stuff I was gonna put in this chapter, but it felt all nice and complete, so whatevs.  
> Hope y’all enjoy! And if you do, let me know!

Pike spun his chair around in his ready room, gazing distractedly at his PADD. “I appreciate your help with these evaluations, Spock.” He let out a sigh, swiping over to the next form. “Only a few more left…” 

”It is my duty, Captain.” Spock responded, pacing slowly around the room. “Who are we evaluating next?” He asked. 

Pike hummed for a moment as the name appeared. “Lieutenant James Tiberius Kirk.” He responded, over enunciating each word. 

Spock stilled, his face paling slightly. “Captain, I do not believe it wise that I assist with Lieutenant Kirk’s evaluation.” He said slowly, his mind whirring, trying to come up with an excuse. 

”What? Why not?” Pike responded, his usual easygoing smile on his face. He spun around to face Spock, his smile faltering somewhat as he saw the Vulcan’s face. “Spock, are you alright?” 

“I am fine.” Spock responded quickly. “I believe I may have a bias towards Lieutenant Kirk. He did save my life, Captain.” He explained. 

”Is that all?” Pike asked, his smile returning. “I didn’t think Vulcans cared all that much about that sorta thing.” He shrugged. 

”Perhaps others would not care, but I find myself feeling indebted to him.” Spock responded, his hands held tightly behind his back. “After all, I am half human, Captain.” 

“Well, if it’s a debt you’re worried about, you saved his life too, Spock.” Pike reminded him. “You two are even Steven, Mr. Spock. Besides, it’s your duty as first officer to note any failings or successes a crew member may have.” He rose to his feet, walking over to Spock. 

“Captain…I do not believe I may act unbiased in this situation.” Spock responded, looking downward, refusing to meet Pike’s gaze. 

”Are you sure you’re alright, Spock? You’re acting pretty weird about this.” Pike asked, his brow furrowing with concern. “People save each other’s lives all the time out here.”

“Captain, Jim Kirk and I are in an amorous relationship.” Spock blurted out. “I may attempt to be unbiased, but once we reveal our relationship I do not want any of Jim’s achievements to be undercut by our relationship.”

Pike blinked back in surprise. “I’m sorry, what?” He must have misheard him. There wasn’t any way that Spock and Jim were together. 

“Jim and I have been in a relationship for the past six days and seventeen hours.” Spock explained. “I apologize not coming to you sooner, but Jim desired to keep the relationship…’on the down low’ until we became more secure in it.” 

”I…Huh.” Pike turned back to his seat, sitting down and resting his head in his hand. “You…and Jim.” 

”Correct.” Spock nodded, stepping closer to the Captain. 

Pike rubbed his hand over his face. “Wow…I uh…don’t know what to say about this.” He shook his head slightly. Pike cared about both of them deeply. They were both just messed up kids looking for a place where they belonged. Pike thought about Jim. A guy like Spock might be just what Jim needed. Someone that didn’t rush into things, that didn’t do flings, when Spock cared he cared deeply. Spock was a good guy. But Pike couldn’t help but worry about him. Spock had never really had a relationship before. Jim was experienced. Jim liked to sleep around and do his own thing. He worried they might end up hurting each other. 

”I guess…you don’t have to help me with Jim’s evaluation.” Pike said slowly. “I just…Spock have you guys really thought this out?” He asked, looking up to meet the Vulcan’s eyes. “You’re my friends and two of my best crew members and I don’t want either of you to end up hurt.” 

”We discussed the terms of our relationship beforehand.” Spock said. “And Captain…I have never before felt the way I feel towards Jim. Not even towards the one who was my betrothed. It is…” Spock searched for a word or a phrase, but he couldn’t find it. “I believe I love him.” 

Pike looked up at Spock, a small smile on his face. “Well, if that’s how you feel, of course I have to support it. We’ll talk about forms and stuff another day.” Pike let out a breath. “Why don’t you head back to your station, Mr. Spock?” He suggested. “I’ll work on some of these on my own.”

Spock nodded, turning and leaving the room. Pike ran a hand through his hair, letting out a breath. He hadn’t expected that. 

* * *

Jim sat in his quarters, reading an article on one of his PADDS. “Come in.” He said as he heard someone buzz for entry. There were only ever two people that came by his room, Spock or Bones. So Jim didn’t feel the need to ask any questions. 

Spock walked into the room quickly, his hands behind his back. Jim could tell he was tense. Jim rose to his feet, going over to his partner. “Hey, what’s wrong?” He asked, grabbing Spock’s shoulders and sliding his hands down his arms.

”I…” Spock looked down at Jim. “I am sorry, Jim.” He said softly. 

Jim stiffened, a frown coming across his face. “Why? What happened?” He demanded, worry obvious in his voice. The way Spock spoke, it sounded like when a partner cheated on him. But Spock wouldn’t do that. But his heart still raced with anxiety. 

”I was forced to tell the Captain of our relationship.” Spock responded. “I am so sorry, Jim.” 

Jim cracked a smile. “That’s it?” He laughed slightly, letting himself fall against Spock’s chest, leaning his head against Spock’s shoulder. “You had me worried. It sounded like you were about to tell me you cheated or something.” 

”Have you heard that before?” Spock asked softly, a frown creasing his brow. He ran a hand through Jim’s hair. He couldn’t imagine anyone cheating on Jim. 

”Couple of times.” Jim shrugged. “But anyways…what happened with Pike?” 

”Ah.” Spock nodded. “Well, Pike asked me to assist him with your evaluation. I tried to get out of it, so that when our relationship does become public knowledge there won’t be any accusations of favoritism. He would not accept my first few excuses, and so I was forced to tell him that we are in a relationship.” 

”How’d he take it?” Jim asked softly, burying his face in Spock’s neck. 

“Well.” Spock responded. “We have his blessing.” He offered with a small smile. “We will need to fill out some forms for Starfleet at some point, I believe.” 

”Alright, well I’m glad we have his blessing, I guess.” Jim said softly, lifting his head from Spock’s shoulder. He wrapped his arms around Spock’s torso. 

Spock’s hand moved from Jim’s hair to brush against his cheek. “You have been cheated on before.” He said softly, more of a statement than a question. 

Jim shrugged, looking down. “Uh…yeah. Couple of times.” 

”They were fools.” Spock said quickly. His hand tilting Jim’s chin up. “Anyone that would not cherish the time they spend with you is a fool.” He said, his voice hard. “Though, I must admit…I am glad you went through these hardships, ashayam, otherwise, you may not be here with me.” Spock said softly, leaning down and pressing his lips to Jim’s.

”Ashayam?” Jim asked against Spock’s lips. 

The tips of Spock’s ears turned green. “A Vulcan term of endearment.” He murmured. 

”Ashayam.” Jim responded with a smile. He returned to the kiss for a moment. “Do you have anything to do tonight?” He asked softly. 

”Only if you so desire.” Spock responded, lifting Jim’s chin once again into a kiss. 

”I do.” Jim hummed, leaning up into the kiss.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeet

“You’ve been awful chipper lately.” Uhura smiled as Spock slid into the chair across from her. “You’ve also been awful busy.” She raised an eyebrow. 

“I do not know what it is you’re talking about.” Spock responded, his face expressionless as usual. 

“Jim told me he had been in a fight with a friend that he happened to have feelings for.” Uhura commented idly, pulling the book of poetry out. “Am I correct in my assumption that you are the friend?” Spock’s silence served as well as an affirmation would have. “Then can I assume you accepted?” She asked with a raised eyebrow. 

“I believe it goes without saying that this stays between us.” Spock responded, quietly. “There are a select few who are aware. But at large we are keeping it to ourselves.” 

”I’m honored to be apart of that select few.” Uhura smiled. “If you wish to talk about it, I’d be happy to listen.” 

Spock nodded. “Thank you for the offer.” 

”Has this new perspective made the poetry any clearer to you?” Uhura asked curiously. 

Spock looked thoughtful for a moment. “Yes. I suppose I do understand them more. Never have I felt such a desire to meld with another. At times it is almost unbearable.” 

”The mind meld, you mean?” Uhura asked. 

Spock nodded. “It is an intensely intimate act. In the right circumstances it creates a bond that connects two individuals together in their thoughts and emotions.” 

”That’s the sort of bond in the poems.” Uhura said. 

”Correct.” Spock nodded. 

“And you want that kind of bond with him.” Uhura smiled slightly.

”Yes, I believe so.” Spock responded, though in actuality there was no doubt in his mind. “Shall we begin our session?” He asked after a moment. 

”Alright. I’ll stop prying.” Uhura teased, opening the book. 

* * *

Jim and Spock had fallen into a sort of routine. Most nights they played a game of chess or ate dinner together in one of their rooms. Occasionally they sparred, then hurried to Spock’s quarters. They didn’t quite spend every evening together, but they were together more often than not. 

Jim smiled, moving his queen on the chess board. He rose to his feet, crossing to the other side of the table. “Checkmate.” He hummed, moving to drape himself over Spock’s lap. “You lose.” He wrapped his arms over Spock’s shoulders, burying his face in his neck and breathing deeply. 

”I do not feel like I have.” Spock responded, one hand moving underneath Jim’s back, the other going to his knees. He stood up, carrying Jim over to his bed. He straightened his spine, beginning to pull off his shirt. 

Jim watched him appreciatively. “Hey, Spock. You wanna slow down a bit tonight?” He asked as his partner approached. 

”Slow down?” Spock raised an eyebrow, holding his shirt in his hands uncertainly. 

Jim let out a laugh, scooting over on the bed and patting the empty space beside him. “You can keep the shirt off.” He smiled. Spock laid beside Jim. Jim immediately came closer, wrapping an arm around Spock’s torso, resting his head on Spock’s chest. “You’re always so warm.” He murmured, looking up at him. 

”It is part of my physiology, ashayam.” Spock responded, an arm wrapping around Jim’s back. 

”I know.” Jim said. “I also know your heart is right around…here.” He moved his hand to the place in his side where he could feel the featherlight flutter of the Vulcan’s heartbeat. 

”Correct.” Spock leaned foreword, pressing a tender kiss to Jim’s forehead. “And yours is…here.” Spock moved a hand to press the spot where the comforting drumbeat of Jim’s heart could be felt. 

”Correct.” Jim smiled, putting a hand over the one that had come to rest on his chest. He leaned up, pressing his lips against Spock’s. “How did I get so lucky?” He asked softly. 

”Luck is a human concept, Jim.” Spock responded, bringing their intertwined fingers to his chest. 

”Then what would you call it, Spock?” Jim asked with an amused smile. 

Spock remained silent for a moment. “You may make me believe in luck, yet, Jim.” He answered. “For I am unsure if anything else can explain this.” 

”You might change my mind on a few things too.” Jim smiled fondly at him. He kissed Spock again, untangling their fingers and pressing his hand against Spock’s chest. 

”Jim.” Spock said suddenly. “I wish to attempt something.” He sat up, pulling Jim up with him. 

Jim let out a soft laugh. “Alright, babe, what is it?” 

”I’d like to initiate a shallow mind meld.” Spock said quickly, his face flushing a pleasant shade of green. “I realize it may be unusual for you, Jim. But it would mean quite a bit to me.” 

”It’s not dangerous or anything, right?” Jim asked. 

”Jim, I would never put you into danger.” Spock admonished softly, his hand coming up to cradle Jim’s face. “I would be sure to stay at a shallow level, so a bond will not form. Should you become uncomfortable I will stop.” He explained. “It will only be possible through the touching of your psi points and it will only remain so long as I am touching them.” 

“Alright.” Jim nodded. “Sure.” 

Spock’s face lit up, as his hand hovered over Jim’s face. “I have desired this for so long.” He mused softly. 

”Do it.” Jim smiled, taking Spock’s other hand in both of his and bringing it to his lips, showering it with kisses. 

Spock pressed his fingers to Jim’s psi points. “My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts.” He murmured, but even before he had uttered the words, it had been done. It felt as though Spock was being welcomed home after far too long away. He was surrounded by a warm, golden light unlike any other he had ever felt. He was surrounded by Jim. He felt his own contentment matched in Jim. A hint of surprise and confusion, but both were overpowered by this simple joy. 

Jim thought it might be weird, having someone else in his head. But it didn’t feel weird at all. It felt good. He felt like he finally finished a puzzle and saw the finished picture. He felt as though he was sunbathing in affection and joy. He was surrounded by Spock, every good emotion doubled. It was oddly incredible. Jim leaned forward, capturing Spock’s lips in a kiss. Pleasure radiated across the connection. Spock dropped his hand. 

”What’d you do that for?” Jim asked against Spock’s lips. 

”I knew I’d go deeper than intended, if we both continued.” Spock responded, his arms wrapping around Jim’s waist as he pulled the man onto his lap. 

”It felt…really good actually.” Jim hummed, his hands resting on Spock’s chest. 

”I am glad, ashayam.” Spock responded. “That is just a fraction of what a bond feels like.” 

”Good.” Jim leaned back down, kissing Spock desperately, his hands entangling themselves in the hair on his chest. 

“Jim.” Spock breathed as Jim released his lips and moved to press kisses to his neck. 

”Yes, Spock?” Jim looked up at him through his eyelashes, a smirk playing at his lips. 

“Jim, I love you.”


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might be ending this soon? I don’t think i have that much more to write for this story. Anyways, hope you enjoy in the meantime and if u do, let me know!

The words echoed in Jim’s head. He pulled off of Spock’s neck, scrambling away from him. “What did you just say?” 

Spock stared at Jim, confusion touching his face. “Jim?” 

”What did you say?” Jim repeated, breathing faster than he had been. “You love me?” 

The Vulcan’s confusion only grew. “I do.” Spock responded, his wide brown eyes searching for something, a reason that Jim had begun to panic at what should have been a wonderful confession.

Jim got off of the bed, beginning to pace around the room. “How can you love me?” He asked, not looking at Spock. “We’ve been dating for less than two weeks.” He shook his head, running his hands through his hair. 

”Why should that matter?” Spock asked, moving to sit on the bed, his legs crossed one over the other. “I do love you.” 

”It…it’s too soon.” Jim insisted, stopping his pacing and crossing his arms over his chest, almost like he was trying to hide something. 

”Why do you say so?” Spock asked with a tilt of his head. “We are together. I cared for you very deeply before we began our relationship. It is only logical that my feelings grew exponentially.” 

”It’s just…it’s too soon!” Jim exclaimed again. He finally looked up at Spock. “I mean…you’re Vulcan. How do you even know that this is what love is?” The words were out and Jim almost instantly regretted them. 

Spock schooled his face into an emotionless mask, hiding the pain he felt with Jim’s words. “I am half human.” He said softly, reaching down to pick his shirt up from the floor. “And Vulcans are not emotionless. Thousands of years ago, Vulcans felt two times deeper than any human has ever felt. We killed and destroyed cities for love, family, and honor.” Spock pulled his shirt on over his head, his words clipped with frustration. “We were destroying ourself by being slaves to our passions. Surak came along and we learned a different way, one that placed logic above emotions. One that suppressed and calmed emotions through meditation.” He met Jim’s gaze again. “But rest assured, Jim, I do feel. I feel quite deeply.” The corners of Spock’s mouth tilted downward, and that spoke multitudes to Jim about how he hurt him. 

”Shit, Spock, I…” Jim took a step towards him. “I shouldn't have said that.” He admitted, running a hand through his hair. Jim took in a deep breath. “I need a breather. I…I’m gonna go.” He turned on his heel. 

”Jim,” The name left Spock’s lips, but he didn’t know what else to say. What else could he say in response to Jim? 

”I’ll…” Jim let out a sigh, stopping right before he reached the door. “I’ll talk to you soon.” 

* * *

”He loves me.” Jim banged his head on the table in Bones’ room. “How the fuck does he love me?” 

”Hell if I know.” Bones responded, pouring two glasses of whiskey, passing one to Jim. 

”I’m being serious.” Jim huffed, accepting the glass and knocking it back. 

”Listen dumbass,” McCoy let out a breath through his nose. “Vulcans are like angelfish. They mate for life. They don’t fuck around and when they fall, they fall hard, and they don’t get up.” Bones said, waving his glass around while he gestured. “You wanna know the divorce rate is on Vulcan?” Jim opened his mouth to respond, but Bones cut him off. “Zero percent. Once they’re officially bonded, that’s it until one of them dies.”

”Yeah, but…me and Spock aren’t bonded yet.” Jim mumbled, holding his glass out for a refill. 

Bones rolled his eyes, drinking from his own glass before he refilled Jim’s. “It doesn’t matter. Y’all are still in a relationship. Hell Jim, I’m pretty sure he was in love with you before y’all two started fucking.” Bones responded, shaking his head. 

”That’s ridiculous, I mean…” Jim took the glass back from McCoy, cradling it in his hands. 

”That’s Vulcans, Jim.” Bones responded with a scowl. “Listen, I tried to tell you, Spock tried to tell you, it’s your own damn fault that you didn’t listen. If you’re not ready for something like this, then you need to get your shit together and tell him.” 

“You’re supposed to be my friend here.” Jim grumbled. 

”I am.” McCoy responded with a shrug, finishing off his drink. “Dragging this out will only hurt you and Spock more. So you either need to accept the fact that he’s a step ahead of you in the relationship, or you need to end it now before it gets any harder.” Jim sighed deeply, staring down at his drink. “I mean, it doesn’t even sound like he was actually looking for you to say it back.” 

“I don’t know.” Jim mumbled, leaning back in his chair. “Did I just majorly fuck up?” 

”Yup.” 

”Don’t sugarcoat it, Bones.” Jim grumbled, shooting a glare towards his friend. 

“Spock is a good guy.” McCoy argued. “He's nice, he’s smart, he risked his life for you, and he just told you he loves you. What’s stopping you from letting yourself be happy?” 

”I don’t know!” Jim huffed. “I just…I’m nervous.” He looked down. 

”You’ve had bad experiences.” Bones said with a sigh. “We all have. You can’t let that stop you from going out and getting what makes you happy. And if you’re happy with that Vulcan then you need to go apologize for the shit you said and beg him to take you back, which I’m almost sure he will.” 

”You promise?” Jim asked softly, insecurely. 

”I promise, ya dumbass.” Bones rolled his eyes.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I believe we may be nearing the end of this fic. Two or three chaps left. Idk. Hope you enjoy and if you do let me know!

“Spock?” Jim called softly, knocking on his door. 

Spock’s heart ached in his side, hearing Jim’s voice. They hadn’t spoken off of the bridge for three days, though it felt like years. He steeled himself, walking to the door and opening it. The look on his face was the mask of Vulcan neutrality, but Jim knew he had hurt him. 

”I do not intend to apologize.” Spock said, his voice quiet but steely. “I love you. I will not pretend otherwise.” 

”I’m here to apologize.” Jim said with a sigh. “Can I come in?” He asked, looking up at Spock.

Spock stepped aside, letting Jim brush past him into the room. “You are here to apologize.” He said with a raised eyebrow. 

”I messed up.” Jim admitted. “I shouldn’t have freaked out on you.” He let out a breath, running a hand through his hair. “I knew what I was getting into when we started.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m so sorry. And…I’m even sorrier about what I said about…ya know.” 

Spock crossed his arms over his chest. “Explain what you are sorry about.” He responded, his voice hard. 

Jim let out a breath, but Spock was right, he deserved this. “I’m sorry I said Vulcans don’t have feelings. I know you do. The fact that you feel so deeply about me is proof enough. I regretted what I said as soon as I said, and I still do.” Jim said. He stepped towards Spock. “We’re very different people from different species. And I know that. I need to keep that in mind sometimes when it comes to stuff like this.” 

Spock nodded his head slowly. “Thank you. I accept your apology.” 

”I…I don’t know if I love you yet.” Jim said, looking up at Spock. “But I like you so much. I care about you so much. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose what we have.” He took Spock’s hands in his, bringing them up to tenderly kiss his palms. 

”I may still say I love you.” Spock responded softly, his voice weakening at the touch of Jim’s lips to his hands. “I cherish thee, ashayam.” Spock slipped into Vulcan without meaning to. 

”That was pretty.” Jim said. “I’m guessing it meant I love you?” He asked with a small smile. 

”Basically, yes.” Spock responded, his hands moving to cup Jim’s face. He leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss against Jim’s lips. 

“Don’t worship me, babe.” Jim said softly, shaking his head. “I’m not worth it.” 

”I disagree.” Spock’s thumbs ran over Jim’s cheeks, the skin smooth beneath the calloused pads of his fingers. 

”I hurt you.” Jim argued, reaching up and covering one of Spock’s hands in his own. “That’s proof enough, isn’t it?” 

”You felt I had rushed you.” Spock responded. “You misunderstood and said something bad in a moment of weakness and confusion and you realized your mistake and apologized. I do not see why you doubt that you are worthy of my love.” 

“I hurt you.” Jim repeated his weak argument. He held onto Spock’s hand, still pressed against his face, as though it were a lifeline. “It has to be hard enough for you here and someone you…someone you trust hurt you.” 

”I am contented on the Enterprise.” Spock responded. “Home neither on Vulcan, nor on Earth, but I have found a home with you Jim.” He said softly. “I would deal with the brief pain of your words a thousand times, if it meant I could spend time with you in my arms like this.”

Jim shook his head. “Don’t put so much stock on me. I’m afraid I’ll only disappoint.” 

“I don’t believe that.” Spock responded. “But I apologize if I am going too far.” 

”You’re a little…intense.” Jim said slowly. “But I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think it may just…take a little getting used to.” He brought Spock’s hand to his lips again. “And I do want to get used to it, Spock. I like being with you.” Jim said softly, leaning up and kissing him gently. 

”And I enjoy being with you.” Spock murmured against his lips. 

* * *

”Spock, Jim, I need to speak with you two in my prep room.” Pike said. Spock and Jim exchanged a glance before they both made their ways across the bridge over to where Pike’s prep room was. 

Pike looked up at the both of them, his hands clasped together on the table in front of him. “I know you two have a desire to keep your relationship on the down low, but I need y’all to finish this form.” He said a padd across the table over to them. 

”Alright.” Jim said hesitantly as Spock started filling out the information on the padd. “Is that all you wanted us for?” 

“No, not exactly.” Pike ran a hand through his hair. “It’s…fortunate that you two have recently started your…dalliance.” He gestured vaguely between them. “The Federation is preparing for a diplomatic meeting with the planet Whimar. We have been asked to represent the Federation in this meeting, but there is a small problem…” Spock raised an eyebrow as he passed the padd to Jim. “Whimar refuses to negotiate with people who aren’t in relationships.” He began to explain. “They put a great deal of significance on strong relationships and believe that a couple is wiser, stronger, and better than a single person.” He paused. “Of course if you don’t want to, I won’t make you.” 

“I see.” Spock responded. “Jim, what do you wish to do?” 

Jim looked at Spock surprised. “Lets do it. Tell us what we need to do and I’ll do it.” He glanced over at Spock. “As long as he’s okay with it.” 

Spock nodded. “We will do it.”


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chap is a little short, but whatevs. Hope you enjoy it regardless!

“This place is like a winter paradise.” Jim said, looking around the serene, snowy surface of the planet after they had transported down. 

”Those two words are antonyms.” Spock murmured, pulling his coat closer around him as he slipped his arm through Jim’s. 

Jim let out a chuckle, pulling Spock close to him. He leaned up and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep you warm.” He grinned. 

”I will hold you to that.” Spock responded, a minuscule Vulcan smile crossing his face. 

”C’mon.” Jim pulled Spock towards the government building they were teleported in front of. 

They were instantly warmed by a blast of warm air. The doors opened for them. Two servants approached and removed their coats. “Starfleet?” A human looking person asked with a raised eyebrow. Jim and Spock nodded. “This way.” He beckoned. 

They were led through several plain chambers, there was some art on the walls, but nothing particularly notable. It was mostly landscapes, interspersed with portraits of important looking people. 

They finally ended up in a large serious room, a pair of large comfortable chairs at the end of the room. The chairs were occupied by a human looking couple, both fairly androgynous. One had short bright red hair and olive skin, the other long dark blue hair and pale skin. They were connected by their entwined fingers 

”Hello.” The red haired one said. “I am Galone and this is my partner Prilla.” 

”I am Commander Spock and this is my partner Lieutenant Jim Kirk, from the USS Enterprise.” Spock said, gesturing to Jim. 

”We were pleased to hear that the Enterprise had a strong couple on board.” Prilla said in a whispy voice. 

”How long have you two been bonded?” Galone asked with a raised eyebrow. 

”We have not yet bonded.” Spock admitted. “Though our relationship is entering its second month.” 

”And it gets better and stronger everyday.” Jim responded with a smile. 

Prilla and Galone exchanged a look that made Jim and Spock nervous. “Darling, Starfleet has sent us a new, unbonded couple as representatives?” Galone mused, their gravelly voice conveying their disappointment. 

”If you worry about our commitment to one another, you do not need to be.” Spock insisted, stepping forward. “Vulcans are very commitment minded individuals. When we choose our mates, we choose them for life. Jim was made aware of this before we began our relationship, and despite it not being official, we treat it as such.” 

”Hm…” Prilla hummed. “There is no real harm in receiving them. Besides, my dearest, I am certain Starfleet did not intend the insult.” 

Galone nodded their head. “I am certain you are right, my love.” Galone looked to a servant. “Show them to their room.” 

The thought occurred to Jim for the first time, they’d be sharing quarters through all of these negotiations. Of course it made sense. They were here as a couple on behalf of Starfleet. But still the prospect sent a warmth through him, only comparable to the way he felt when Spock put a hand on his lower back as they walked through more corridors. 

”Much of our civilization lives indoors during the cold season.” The servant was explaining to an enraptured Spock. “Despite having lived on Whimar for generations now, we still find ourselves unaccustomed to its harsh cold.” 

Jim only vaguely heard the servant, his eyes focused on Spock’s face. The Vulcan was clearly fascinated in what he was learning. His lips were pursed just slightly, his head nodded, his brows creased. He was beautiful. Jim felt incredibly lucky. Not only did he have Spock, but they had at least a week together off of the ship where they were allowed and encouraged to be a couple. Jim took Spock’s hand into his own, bringing his lips to the back of Spock’s hand. 

”Jim?” Spock questioned with a raised eyebrow. He had a familiar spark in his eyes that Jim had become well acquainted with. “Patience, ashayam.” Spock said with the corner of his mouth tilted upward in the Vulcan equivalent of a smug smirk. 

”I can’t help it.” Jim let out a soft laugh. 

“It is an honor to be in the presence of such a loving relationship.” The servant said as they gestured to their room. “I hope the room is to your liking.” They bowed their head. 

”I am sure it will be fine.” Spock responded. 

“We will call you tomorrow for a meeting with our leaders.” The servant said. “Until then, make yourselves as comfortable as possible.”

”Oh, I intend to.” Jim murmured, just loud enough for Spock to hear. They walked into the room. It was simple, dark blue walls and a king’s sized bed that sat against a wall. There wasn’t much else in the room, aside from a screen and a desk. 

”Jim.” Spock said as the door shut behind them. “Your behavior since we have arrived has been quite unusual.” 

”I’m excited.” Jim smiled, wrapping his arms around Spock’s torso. “We get to be a couple and we’ve been encouraged to do as much PDA as possible.” He grinned, leaning up and pressing a kiss to Spock’s cheek. 

”Vulcans do not usually participate in ‘PDA.’” Spock said with a raised eyebrow. “But I believe I may be able to make an exception for you.”


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end? Another shortish chapter, but I was ready to finish this up. Either way i hope you enjoyed the fic along the way and I hope you like this last bit!  
> Also little note: this skips forward in time a bit

“Jim, you are certain?” Spock asked softly, pushing himself up onto his elbow. “I do not wish to push you into anything you are not prepared for.” 

”We’ve been together for six months.” Jim answered, his hand seeking out Spock’s. He propped himself onto his side, adjusting the blanket that covered them and initiating a Vulcan kiss. “I love you Spock. More than I’ve ever loved anybody.” 

”And I love you, ashayam.” Spock responded. “But this is not a commitment you are able to break out of easily. It will be permanent. Till death separates us.” Spock looked down at their hands. “If you have second thoughts-“ 

”I won’t.” Jim assured him. He swallowed. “Ya know…I’ve uh been looking at Vulcan culture. Uhura showed me some of those poems you helped her translate.” He offered a smile. “And…I know all that time ago I told you I didn’t believe in soulmates, but you might’ve changed my mind.” He looked up to meet Spock’s inquisitive gaze. “T’hy’la?” 

Spock let out an amused sigh, taking Jim’s face in his hands and pulling him into a gentle kiss. “I am not entirely sure I believe in the t’hy’la bond.” Spock said, pulling Jim back down to the bed and burying his face in his neck. “But I am certain that if I had a t’hy’la, it would be you.” He murmured against Jim’s skin. 

”See?” Jim smiled, wrapping an arm around Spock’s torso and allowing his other hand to run through the Vulcan’s hair. “So let’s do it. Let’s get bonded officially.” He said. “Stop living in sin. Take our shore leave on Vulcan. Get bonded and meet families. Come back to Starfleet a little while later happy as hell but tired.” 

”Tired?” Spock raised an eyebrow, glancing up at Jim 

”From all the wild honeymoon sex.” Jim explained with a teasing smile. 

”You are never satisfied are you.” Spock asked, the corner of his mouth tilting upward. 

”I am very often satisfied.” Jim smirked, leaning down to press a quick kiss to Spock’s smile. “Besides, at least I have to take a break for a little while afterward. You’re instantly ready to go again.” He poked a finger at Spock’s shoulder. “Talk about never being satisified.” He stuck his tongue out. 

Spock rolled his eyes, returning his face to rest against Jim’s shoulder. “We were discussing our bonding.” He pointed out. 

”Right.” Jim said. “I couldn’t find a whole lot about bonding ceremonies.” He admitted. “So I think you’ll need to lead me through what I have to do, but whatever it is, I’ll do it.” 

“It is not particularly taxing.” Spock responded simply. After a moment in thought he spoke again. ”Most of our fellow crew mates do not even know we are involved. Do you believe they will be surprised?” 

”Oh Spock, honey…angel…sugar…we aren’t exactly subtle.” Jim let out a soft laugh. “The ones that don’t know either never see us or are just really thick.” 

”Ah.” Spock mused. “And they do not say anything?” 

”Babe, they’re scared of you.” Jim responded, fondness shining in his eyes. “They wouldn’t dare to gossip about you.” 

“I see.” Spock responded. “Were you ever scared of me?” 

”Very scared and very attracted to you from day one.” Jim responded without hesitation. 

”It is fair to assume you are not still afraid of me, correct?” Spock asked, leaning into Jim’s touch. 

Jim let out a chuckle, running his fingers through Spock’s hair. “No, I’m not afraid of you. I can’t remember when exactly I stopped being afraid of you, but it’s been a while.” 

”I am glad.” Spock looked up at Jim. He reached his hand up, which Jim readily accepted.

”I can’t imagine a future without you by my side, Spock.” Jim said softly. “You make me…better. I wanna do better to know that I’m worthy of you.” 

”And you make me feel at home.” Spock responded. “You make me feel like I belong. I belong by your side.” 

“So, what do you say, Spock?” Jim asked with that charming smile that caught his eye at first glance. The same man that Spock had seen so long ago and felt inexplicably drawn to. 

”What?” Spock asked dumbly, not understanding what it was Jim was asking him. He had also found himself distracted by the love shining from Jim’s eyes. 

Jim let out a laugh. “You never gave me an answer.” He reminded, bringing Spock’s hand up to his lips. “What do you say? Will you bond with me?” 

Spock nodded his head, a grin Jim had never seen before coming onto his face. He took Jim’s face in his hands and pulled him down into a kiss. He pulled away, composing himself. “If it is what you truly desire.” He said, his face returning to its usual calm mask. 

”It is.” Jim answered. “Also, you have a gorgeous smile.”


End file.
